by Claire
My parents made their “rule” about all five of us leaving the nest pretty clear, pretty early. After high school graduation we either moved into the dorms or paid him rent to stay in the house. Oh I suppose we could have gone for option C) and gone out and rented our own apartment but it was somehow understood that option C) was a bad option. Only one sibling opted to hang around a little longer than the fall of his graduating year and he paid rent to our parents. A few months later his stay was uncomfortable enough that he moved along. I think Mom and Dad gave him his rent money as a little nest egg to get him out of their nest!
I wonder if this sounds harsh to some of you. It doesn’t to me because it is what I knew and it was clearly communicated to me very early. I can remember coming home from kindergarten and saying I wasn’t interested in continuing with school. I asked my Dad how long I needed to go to school and he said “16 years.”
It seems that more and more I am hearing about kids either never leaving the nest or coming back to the nest at some point. I know better than to say “never!”, but I have made the same message my Dad used very clear to the kids. I don’t harp about it but as the topic comes up I make sure they know their time in my house is limited. I’m not looking forward to their departure but I do think it is how things are meant to be in this life. Last year, when DD was 7, she asked me “Mom do we need to move out when we are 18?” I answered with a simple “yes.” She followed up with, “because our parents make us? or the police make us?” Okay so maybe I WAS mentioning it too often!
How were your raised? And how have you raised your kids (if you have them)? And for those of you that have returned home or had children return home, please do share the positives (because I know there are always positives). It is hard for me to conceptualize of them as I deal with such a full house, but I know there are positives!
Born and raised in Texas. I’ve at least driven through every state in the US courtesy of a roadtrip loving Dad.
I’m single with two children and a good parenting relationship with their father.
I am a “life is just half full of funny” kinda gal. Humor is my saving grace and I am thankful for it every single day. I have a strong Catholic faith and am thankful for that foundation.
I read a lot for a living but still enjoy a good book. I love biographies but in recent years have found the need for fun fictional books–sadly, for a long time I just didn’t enjoy fiction!
I love live theatre of any kind–from local productions to Broadway.
I love to scrapbook and pride myself in my kids’ albums.
I love being a mom but also love my career. I’m blessed to have found a balance allowing me to be at everything my kids need and want me to be at–while also having a career.
Favorite Quotes: Well behaved women rarely make history.
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. -James Bryant Conant
I moved in with my inlaws for a variety of reasons. It isn’t like we are freeloaders. I help with cleaning, cooking, and running errands. My husband does heavy lifting and computer stuff. My FIL is never home so my MIL gets lonely. It works out okay for all of us.
I moved out to go to university when I was 18, I went back for the first summer and had various temporary jobs (I didn’t have a long break and took any job I could get), the second summer I got a job with accommodation, and then again this summer. My parents have said I can live at home for a year or so when I get a job/while I study after I graduate (providing I contribute to utilities and chores) but it’s so I have a chance to further build on my emergency fund before I find somewhere to live. I actually think I’ll try to get another placement with my second summer job as I really enjoyed that and accommodation is provided which is useful. I don’t like being dependent on my parents!
There’s something else also involved. As statistics become more available, it’s become a measure of the state of the economy: kids move back in, we have a recession. Kids move back out, the economy is improving.
I don’t think the idea is harsh. Maybe it’s because what my parents did to me. It definitely put pressure on me to be self sufficient. After graduating college I moved back in for a few months, and I paid rent. (And had to help in the garden, too!)
By the way, you did mean empty nest, not empty next, right? 🙂
Good grief William–thanks! Actually it was a test given the recent grammar chats! Good news! You passed! 😉
I went to college away from home, so I moved out when I was 18 and my room was converted to an office. College was never an option, however, I wasn’t exactly on my own. What scholarships didn’t cover, my parents paid for.
After college it was assumed I would be on my own. Part of graduation involved giving my gas card back to my parents (see, told you I hadn’t been on my own- what I didn’t realize is they used the bills to track me! Even if I was smart enough to not fill the car up in another city, they knew I went on a trip if I filled it up two days in a row after not doing so for a month…)
I have not lived full time with my parents since I was 18 (I’m 30). I did live with them one summer in college when I went back home for a session of community college.
However, I think if I had been in a position of need, they would have taken me in, with the expectation I pay rent and contribute to the household.
Living in a dorm is expensive and unless parents are able to save for their children’s college, you may be setting them up for a lifetime of debt. As long as children are respectful and help out, I see no harm. I have raised 4 responsible children, the first didn’t go to college and moved out when he was 18, the next three have gone to college but have lived with us at some point during their college careers. I actually think our requirement to make children move isn’t always the best. Right now my elderly mom with dementia lives with us and my daughter voluntarily helps out and gives us a much needed free hour here and there. We do encourage all of our children to responsibly handle their finances but do not require them to pay rent. Two othe topics : I also believe there is a measure of protection we are providing for our daughter and , secondly, there is less waste of resources when people share housing. I am not sure we are meant to live alone, whether 18 or 65.
I’m with Diane. I lived at home ’til I was 25 and got married. I paid a little bit of rent, and respected my parents’ rules. I’m soooo thankful they didn’t force me out. I was not a mature 18, and I’m afraid of what trouble I would have gotten into. My kids know that we expect them to keep moving forward. College is not a requirement in our house, as I don’t believe that college is for everyone. There will be no bumming it here. My 16yo son already has a job, and pays for his own clothes and fun. He will likely be going to bible college after he graduates from homeschool. My 18yo daughter has had chronic illness for three years, and we are just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, so her leaving will be delayed for at least a year ’til she can get high school finished and plans set (maybe to au pair in Switzerland). She, however, is itching to spread her wings, so I don’t think I will have to talk her into leaving. 🙂
I went to college after high school when I was 18. I came back the first 3 summers, with no issue for my parents and then after graduation I came back for 8 or 9 months before moving to another city on my own. I don’t remember my parents ever saying OUTLOUD that I needed to get out, it was more that I just couldn’t stand to be there anymore! LOL!
I think things are different today. The truth is that while 20 years ago a college degree pretty much gauranteed you a job somewhere doing something, that is not the case anymore. It is incredibly difficult to find a job now. I think it is way way more normal for kids to come home, or stay home for a year or two to get their feet on the ground. I don’t want my kid mooching off of me for years, but i don’t want them living in the ghetto because that’s all they can afford with their 8$ an hour job either. I think as long as your kids are respectful, helpful around the house and not generally acting like entitled brats, I wouldn’t mind if they stayed home with us for awhile. Not forever, but a couple years.
Wow. It does seem a little harsh to me, but then it depends on the circumstances.
My oldest is finishing up grad school and is living at home for his last semester to save money. When he graduates he’ll have debt and it will take him a while to find a job – he knows he can live at home during this time. Once he has a job, he’ll take over his car insurance payment and phone, but we won’t charge him rent as long as he has such a large school debt.
My second son just graduated from college and has a full-time job. He took over his car insurance/phone payments, but also will live at home until he gets all (or a lot) of his debt paid off.
They both help out at home as their work/school schedules allow, but I can’t see charging them rent when they both will have a hefty debt to pay off.
We will offer the same arrangement to both of our girls when the time arises, as both will have substantial college debt to pay off.
It doesn’t make sense to us to have them paying rent to us at this point – in a couple of years we’ll likely reassess, as their debt level decreases. But then, I doubt they’ll want to live at home for more than a couple of years anyway.
We are a very close family and I like it that way. Home is always here for them no matter what.
That being said, we wouldn’t allow them to live here and just hang out without jobs/school.
We aren’t able to pay for the college (though we help) and this is a way we can help them get on their feet.
I went to university, moved home, and lived with my grandfather for 2 years. At the same time, I was also working full time and in college at night for a year and a half of that time. I just moved into an apartment last month (I’m only 21), so I’m now paying all my bills and taking care of everything myself. Being given the extra time allowed me to pay off my debt and put myself in a position where I wouldn’t be calling home for a handout every month.
I think it depends on the individual’s situation. I went to college, lived at home when I graduated. I paid rent, but also helped with the food shopping, cooking and cleaning. I left the state and returned to the home when my dad was ill. He got better and my grandmother got ill so I stayed to help with her. When grandma died, I decided to stay with my parents and they were okay with that. I still do the food shopping, pay rent, cook and clean. Now I am ready to move out and have begun to look at places. So again I say it all depends on the situation.
I am “on the fence” with this topic. On one hand, I believe adult children should learn to be independent and begin preparing for having their own family down the road (if they so choose). On the other hand, I believe North American society has lost that “family” sentiment, where families live together or live close to one another. Raising a family is hard work, and even harder when you are isolated from those who would gladly offer help. Young children benefit greatly from plenty of time spent with grandparents (as in living together or living within walking distance)_Older people benefit from the company of their adult children and the get the needed protection from being “taken advantage of” by unscrupulous individuals with a malicious objective.
To sum up, I will most likely “strongly encourage” my children to set up their own homes some time between 21-24 years of age, but if they are living at home and NOT in a college/university program, they will be required to pay rent AND help out with household responsibilities. In the long run, I pray they don’t move too far away. I believe in the importance of (proximity and emotional) family closeness.
I was raised that I would go to university (paid by parents) and if I lived at home while working I’d pay rent.
Dh was raised that he would go to university but his parents weren’t as wealthy and had more kids so each kid was given the education savings upon graduation to put towards loans. Not sure whether they had to pay rent while at home. Dh was in a program with work terms so made enough to pay for his schooling as he went through.
Our kids were raised with first degree paid for, must pay rent if living at home and not going to school. Both went away to school.
Dd has only been home for work-terms (and only 2 of the 6) and is permanently gone (married, living on the other side of the country.)
Ds took 3 tries (away full-time, home full-time while working part-time, home part-time while working full-time.) The first two tries I paid for, the third he paid for and I paid him back when he completed it (a silly 1 year certificate but at least he completed something.) He lived at home and paid nominal rent until he moved in with 2 friends to cut his commuting costs.
He is still out on his own (still sharing but down to one roommate) and finally financially independent. His latest plan it to spend a year in Australia so is saving for that and will move home at the end of the current roommate arrangement (his roommate is getting married 3 months before my son is off to Australia) in order to boost his savings. That will be rent free and I’ll also store his stuff for free while he’s gone. His job is held for the year so he’ll have a job when he gets back but I imagine he’ll be living here for several months on return while he gets his life back in order.
My son lives on the financial brink, no benefits, only guaranteed one shift per week (but currently working 70 hours a week because he does that when he can get hours.) If his car dies, or he gets sick, I’ll end up being his safety net. He has dental work in the $1000s that I’m paying for and he’ll pay me back after Australia (I told him he couldn’t go with my blessing unless the teeth were fixed first and turns out he was in pain but wasn’t letting me know.)
We have a big house so he’ll get an area of his own in the basement. We are financially set for life, so he is not a burden to us but if we don’t expect rent from him and participation from him, it is hard on his self-esteem. He is proud of all he’s accomplished without a degree and without a lot of help from us. To have coddled him would have robbed him of that positive feeling.
I just turned 30, and have been living with my parents off and on for the last decade. I lived in the dorms all through college and stayed at home during breaks and summers. I attended grad school in another state and lived in campus housing that whole time.
Since then I’ve been a children’s librarian in my hometown. The job was part-time for years, and I certainly didn’t make enough to live on my own. I’ve sometimes shared an apartment with friends and sometimes lived with my parents. It has been so nice to know I have a place to live while I pay off school debt and work at my low-paying dream job. I just recently was able to move to full-time and my own tiny apartment, but I still have a room at “home” and probably will for quite some time.
I was raised with the message that at 18 I will move out and attend college, which they supported. I will do the same for my kids and support them in college while they live on their own. At some point 18 years or 40 years we have to learn to take care of ourselves. My first years on my own were exciting and hard but all my friends were going through it at the same time, I had a support system among my family and friends.
We all needed to have a plan when we graduated. Sibling 1 got married right after grad. Sibling 2 worked and lived at home for a year then moved to an apartment. Sibling 3 went to University, as did I.
With my oldest in Gr 12 I am starting to feel that sad ‘not much time left’, but with him playing Junior hockey, he will be here for at least 1 year after high school or perhaps two, depending on if he gets traded. I think by then I’ll be ready to let him go, or perhaps packing for him 🙂
This is an interesting question. I’ve thought a lot about it.
On one hand, I agree with you that adults need to be self-sufficient and need to be encouraged to pursue that. Whether forcing them to pay rent or kicking them out, I feel much like you do.
However, the equation is much different for today’s youth. Used to be, you could go to college, or you could work on the neighbor’s farm, or go to work at a restaurant or as a janitor or handyman or, if you did well, could get a job at the local foundry/factory.
many of these jobs for my generation simply aren’t there. and new college grads are finding it harder than ever to become gainfully employed, much less pay back their loans. and the jobs available for those without a college degree are much less likely to provide a living wage.
so if i had teenage kids right now, i think i’d be hesitant to kick them out because the options are much more limited. but i agree in theory that pushing the birds out of the nest may be the right way to go, as long as flying is a real possibility.
I don’t remember my mom ever explicitly telling me that after college I was out… She does, but I don’t. However, for a few months I did move back because I didn’t have a job that paid enough for me to move out. She charged me nominal rent, and nagged me about getting a job, which was annoying during a recession.
However, I NEVER assumed that living at home was permanent or long-term solution. In fact, I hated that I had to live at home after graduation (thankful, though, that I could). The minute I got a job that paid enough to move out I took the job and moved.
Anyway, I just felt in my own mind that after college was when my independent life was supposed to begin. Whether that was because of my family, or the way the culture was at the time, or me, I don’t know. That’s just the way it worked with me.
I don’t think it’s harsh to expect (and encourage) your kids to make it on their own and I’m thankful my parents made it clear I was expected to stand on my own two feet. But I’ve always been glad to know that if I do stumble in life I have a place to recover. When my parents were newly married and saving for their first home they moved back in with their parents for a short time. Currently, my 29 year old sister has moved back in temporarily while she pays down some grad school debt and establishes herself back in our home city. She helps pay for the household costs.
Growing up it was kind of unspoken in our house that my sisters and I were expected to leave for college right after high school. We were welcome to come back for temporary stays (like summer or winter break) but our rooms were quickly converted to other uses so it wasn’t the same as moving back in. They paid half our housing/ tuition costs during our undergrad programs and we were expected to work/ get scholarships/ take loans for the other half.
I think if any of us had gone to school in the same city as our parents house we could have stayed at home rent free. As far as extra chores to live it home, we grew up taking on our fair portion of the household work as our age and abilities allowed and it wasn’t really viewed as a chore, it was just the work that it took to run a home and everyone that lived in the home took care of it.
I expected both my children to become independent adults but did not have a one size fits all rule. Different individuals, different economies (growth vs. severe recession), and cost of living differences in different parts of the country can all affect the exact path IMO.
We were always told that after high school we could live at home for free if we were in college, but if we weren’t in school we would have to pay rent. Also, we had to follow their rules. My parents were able to help pay for most of my college education, but they would not pay for rent if I lived outside the house (they just couldn’t afford it). I worked part time and paid for expenses such as gas, insurance, cell phone since I was 16. I am slightly sad I didn’t get the whole college experience, but I would have had to take out student loans to pay for the dorm and it just wasn’t worth it. I think I will make set the same rules for my children.
There are 2 universities and several colleges and business schools in our city so with very few exceptions nobody “has” to go away to school around here. I lived at home while in university. I did a little babysitting to pay for my bus pass and a little coffee money. My parents paid for everything else. I got married at 20, part way through my program and paid for the final year (or rather my new husband’s income did). Fortunately I chose wisely dispite my youth and we’re still married 26+ years later. ~8yrs later we bought a lot, sold our little starter house and moved into my parents unfinished basement. We camped out there with all our possessions in boxes for about 18 months while we built our dream home. We paid some small amount of rent (~$300 I think) but we really only slept and showered there and the rest of the time we were at work or working at the house until late. Since I got married and moved out before finishing school, the amount of time I stayed after graduation never became an issue. As long as I was in school I was welcome to stay free as long as I liked. I don’t recall if they ever suggested an appropriate amount of time I could stay after.
Our son is starting a 3yr college program (in town) this fall. I paid nothing for my education, my husband paid everything with PT jobs and we’ve settled on splitting it 50/50 with our son. We could pay the whole thing for him, but we think he’ll be more inclined to work hard if he has to contribute. We haven’t formally said he must get out after graduating, but we’ve suggested that when he’s working he’ll be expected to contribute something financially. The amount will be proportional to his income. I would rather he live at home for a year or even two and build up his finances a bit before venturing out and living pay to pay. He won’t have any debt when he graduates, but I also don’t want him rushing out the door unecessarily if a little extra time would set him up for a comfortable launch into adulthood. Our daughter is much younger. Perhaps when she graduates we’ll be more in favor of a quick departure so we can move on with the child-free phase of our lives. Personality-wise, she’s more likely to want to do her own thing as soon as she can manage it. I doubt we’ll have to push her out the door after graduation.
My parents made it very clear after my oldest sister that they wanted me to go AWAY for college (on their dime). So I did, but when I came home for summer I and if I had wanted to go home after college, I would have to live by their rules. Home by midnight, tell them where I am going, noone stays over, no drinking and driving, ect. They would also charge nominal rent if I moved back in, even now. The door was always open, but the rules weren’t worth it after my sophmore year of college.
I don’t have any children, but I suspect if I ever do I will employ my own family’s philosophy that my home will ALWAYS be their home should they need it. You don’t just magically turn into an adult the day you turn 18 or graduate college and you don’t just stop parenting because a child has a diploma in their hand.
I moved to the UK for a while after college to work and once I got back to the states I lived with my parents for a little while. I was working 2 jobs and saving money to move out, but my parents were kind enough to help me. Any of my siblings have a right to live in their home just because we are part of the family. We have occasionally utilized that, but would never take advantage of it. If you raise good, strong young adults there usually aren’t any problems or ultimatums that need to be made.
The whole idea that a child isn’t welcome in their own home just because they age out seems cruel to me, honestly.
I totally agree with you, Jill. I don’t consider it my children’s “right,” but they are always welcome to share my home. The older I get, the more I appreciate my family and children.
This is exactly how I feel, Jill.
I love human dynamics! As I’ve been reading all of these posts today it occurred to me (and then I called my parents to discuss and confirm) that they pushed us out of the nest because they didn’t have that option as kids! My Mother was orphaned and was raised by her aunt and uncle as an only child (her other 5 siblings were sent to live with various other aunts and uncles) beginning at age 5. Her parents didn’t see higher education for her and she married my Dad a year after high school. She always yearned for an education. My Dad lost his father when he was a toddler and his mother raised 4 kids alone during the Depression. He didn’t have educational opportunities and the military was his only realistic option. Their strict rules were more a product of wanting for us what they never had. I agree with the posts that talk about the value of being near family and even though we were booted out of the nest, I am extremely close to my parents. They live 30 minutes away and I am so thankful that my children know them and vice versa. Maybe because we all have very strong personalities, we would not be so close had we stayed under the same roof!
One of my high school friends was given the message very clearly that he wasn’t welcome in his parents home after he graduated. They had him carry his bedroom furniture out onto the lawn and put a for sale sign on it before he got on the bus for boot camp.
I would never charge my children rent while they were going to school full time. I moved out of my mom’s house when I was 20 and she tried to talk me into staying longer. I was a full time student and had a full time job but didn’t pay for groceries, utilities or even tuition. I did pay my own car payment, insurance, gas and anything else I wanted to spend money on.
I never had to move back home because I waited until I was able to afford to move out. My sister moved out as soon as she turned 18 and she had to move back with my mom once or twice before she finally was able to make it on her own.
I don’t think most 18 year olds are ready to take care of themselves and I would feel better having my children living with me until they are mature enough and financially stable enough to be on there own.
I think it sounds harsh (you asked me what I thought otherwise I wouldn’t judge). For me, my father died when I was 13 and it was just my sister and I left at home, along with my Mom for many years. My sister moved out earlier but I lived at home until I got married at 28 and my husband lived at home with his parents until we got married as well. Neither parent had an issue. I went to college and there was never any rent paid nor any pressure to move out. We both did our thing and it worked out fine. I did a lot of chores around the house, not because I had to (o.k. well, maybe I did, Mom was a horrible housekeeper, lol), but because I like things clean and organized. I mowed the lawn and took care of the yard as well. I also continued to take care of her yard for many years after we were married. I should also mention that I paid for all of my own clothes, health and beauty products, etc. from the time I was 13 years old on up. There wasn’t a lot of money to be had so unless I earned it, there wasn’t any. I worked three jobs in the summer to have money for college. I’d start at 7 a.m. and work until midnight, sometimes 3 jobs in a day. I also worked full time and went to college full time so there were many all nighters. Even though I didn’t pay rent, I would say it still wasn’t easy.
I graduated with zero debt and never took out a student loan. I lived on some $5 a week many times.
I would also say that if you asked my Mom, she wouldn’t have had any issues with that. We did talk about it different times during those years and she was always glad I was living at home.
As for my own kids, I would never charge them rent, nor would they ever have pressure to leave home under any circumstances. Unfortunately, my son is severely disabled and will never be able to live on his own. He requires 24/7 care and I’d NEVER put him in a home under any circumstances, although many parents do. I consider it a blessing to have every day with him. I doubt I’d change my mind if he were normal. I think kids make a home so for me, I’d never consider it an issue. I would want to give my kids every advantage today-to stay at home and get as much education as they need, to save for marriage and a home, etc. That’s just my philosophy.
We’re a military family and for years and years my son had been planning to join the Army after high school. He graduated and left for basic training last year and unfortunately was discharged for medical reasons and sent back home about 5 months later.
So, we had the freedom for 5 months of an empty nest and LOVED it, but then we were faced with taking him back in. Of course, we weren’t going to make him live under a bridge or anything so he’s back in the house. He’s had a very good job offer from a government contract company but it’s taking forever to get him out to work, so he’s not being paid and can’t find another job out there while he’s waiting.
This economy has been and continues to be extremely hard on this age group. There is simply no work out there (at least where we live) for a 19 year old because they’re competing with older more experienced people for ANY jobs.
Eventually we’ll consider the local university here if he doesn’t start working, but it’s more so that he has some worthwhile goal to work on instead of just spinning his wheels. We’re not at all convinced he will get a job after completing a degree program because most just aren’t finding work after college.
We don’t charge him rent–how could he pay it with no job?? He helps out around the house, but none of us are really happy with this situation. He’s been depressed since he got home because he never wanted to live with Mom and Dad forever. It’s tough for all involved.
I moved out for college at 17 and only came home that first summer. After that, I have not been in my mother’s house for more than a week at a time. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to live with her; I just didn’t want to live in rural Ohio anymore.
My mother moved back in with her parents after college but helped take care of her little brother. She moved out when she was 26 but continued to chauffeur him and do all the family shopping because my grandmother couldn’t drive.
We are very close to our 2 kids, so I really have no problem if they want to live with us after graduating high school. I won’t charge rent if going to school. Once my son gets a job I’ll have him start paying some nominal amount if he chooses to live at home awhile longer and he’ll be required to take over his own expenses in regards to insurance, etc. I wouldn’t allow them to live at home after high school and not go to school or not have a job. They have to be doing something productive with their lives.
I moved out at 18 and my parents helped pay my dorm rent during the school year (I paid all my tuition, which motivated me to keep my scholarships and hunt down more). My parents did not pay my dorm rent in the summers, so I picked up a second job as a bank teller in addition to my on campus job and taking summer classes. I chose to attend a state university in a low cost of living city.
My parents were very upfront with me in high school on what costs I would be expected to carry and that they would help with my dorm costs. This significantly weighed into whether or not I would choose an expensive private school or what city I would end up in.
I graduated from college in the middle of the economic meltdown. I spent a significant amount of time applying for every and any job during that senior year. I happily took the first position I was offered and continued to live in an apartment with multiple people. My employer paid 75% of my graduate degree, I continued to work my on campus job on the nights I didn’t attend class.
I am very happy that my parents were up front with me on their post high school expectations, educated me about finances, and guided (but didn’t force) me to make good decisions.
Smart, smart moves Walnut! Kudos to your parents! And you!
I am one who wishes I had been encouraged to leave the house at all! Growing up I always wanted to move out and have my own place, but didn’t have the money to do so because when I was 18 I got into debt and never could have afforded to. I was a slave to debt.
Here I am, thirty something and still living at home. It is not what I ever wanted although I did leave for a period of two years at one time.
I got into debt at 18…and started collecting stuff (clutter). I’ve worked consistently since I was 15, most of the time two jobs, and started paying rent at 18 ($300/mo) even though my dad paid child support until I was 21 or so!
Parents need to set boundaries with children. I wish my parents had done this with me. I feel like I may have “lived” more, learned more and maybe had a better sense of who I was/am.
What an interesting perspective–thank you for sharing. As it seems with all things in this life, balance is the key!
For us it was always as long as you are in school and doing well (after high school) we didn’t pay anything. Going away to school was not a plausible option for us due to cost mostly. My brother pays rent because he fails out of a class each semester, but I never had to because I worked my butt off both working and at school and moved out the semester before I finished grad school. Of course there is also the contribution chore wise as well.
Great incentive plan there Marina!
It’s an interesting topic! Me and my siblings moved out as soon as we could to get away from an abusive family. I’ve always raised my kids to move out early and be independent from us, but life had other plans and things haven’t turned out that way. My son left at 20 for university and my daughter left too, but came back. She will be leaving for good shortly, may come back for a visit but thats all. If you had told me things would have ended up this way I would not have believed it. whats that saying… man makes plans and god laughs… 🙂
Amen to that! I do always say “Never say Never!”
My parents had the same “rule”. Actually a little bit stricter. They said that if we had a job then we could put some of that money towards our bills. As soon as I got a job(17)I had to take a small portion of my money and “pay rent”. Then I saved enough for a car and my parents said I had to pay a portion of the car insurance. As a teenager I was highly upset (none of my friends had to pay bills). However, in the long run I am very thankful that my parents charged me bills. When I moved away from home I was able to comprehend that bills needed to get paid and on time. Unfortunately, they didn’t pre warn me about credit cards. Trying to slowly get out of that mess!
Gayle! I can so relate! In fact, this reality has made me really start discussing credit cards with the kids. It was a taboo topic for me on all fronts for so long that I didn’t talk to them about it either! It sounds like your parents had a plan that did a lot of good for you. I see my 18 year old step-son currently clueless because he was never exposed to the reality of bill paying. I’m not assigning blame to anyone, but definitely something that has caught my attention and made me adjust how I talk to the three younger ones about finances.
I really think that you and your husband are harsh but i can understand that you are doing what you have been taught so this is normal for you. Maybe i missed it but i am wondering if you are planning to help your children with college expenses or they were expected to take on their own debt while going to school. I think that times have changed and although going to college is valuable in a lot of ways, it does not always result in a great job with great pay. The competition is much harder now for recent graduates because they have to compete with their peers as well as unemployed workers with education and experiences. I agree that independence and being self-reliance are important and must be encouraged, however pushing them out and expecting them to support themselves while tackling possible debts sounds like a recipe for disaster. You made the choice to have kids so you should be responsible for them. Although what i am saying sounds harsh, i really do like you and your blog. I think you really try to do everything with the best intentions.
Hi Nikki-thanks for the comment. I think the decision is very personal for each individual re: defining one’s role as a parent. I am not booting my kids out without teaching them self-reliance while they are still in my home. Additionally, my ex-husband and I have a plan for our two children that has been in place since our eldest was born. They have a 529 account that a good portion of their birthday, holiday, money earned goes into–the 12 year old knows how to do a direct deposit into his 529. While I could definitely be contributing more, the 529 should take care of a total of 2 years per child (total of 4 years’ worth invested) which would be in addition to the 75 college hours that are paid for via their Dad’s veteran’s benefits. I posted about this once before but it is good to recap. So, yes I do plan on helping my children with college. So, there will be financial support and emotional support beyond their high school graduation–just like there was for me from my parents. I’m just not convinced that needs to happen with a message that they can always come home. Of course should the times and need prove they really have NO alternative, home will always be here…and my children know that on some level and I do share that message. BUT, it is always secondary to what I prefer to be their plan A) relying on my support in an appropriate manner and seeing it more as one of the last resorts as opposed to a top 3 choice. Thanks for reading and commenting!
I read your reply and i think the situation is Well thought out Nd not harsh as i had thought with the additional details. I am really glad that you have plans in place to help them with their college. I think in the ideal world parents who can and are willing to help pay for their entire education would be great but money doesn’t grow on trees and that responsibility gets harder with more kids and of course things like your own retirement. My husband makes very good money working as a mid level software engineer for Amazon and we live below our means with no debt except mortgage but i still feel anxiety about our ability to save for my kids education. I also really appreciate that you and your husband are currently setting a good example by reducing your debt and making good financial decisions in your life. Thanks for sharing your real life with us.