by Claire
Just a quick note to express my sincere thanks for all of the support! Today started out very rough. That terrible feeling of walking through thick mud up to your eyeballs. Being able to see comments via email at a couple of points before lunch truly pushed me along. I am on that roller coaster of emotions that so many of you know about but when it gets really bad, I simply start repeating “Thy will be done….Thy will be done…” over and over again. With each passing moment that gets more time between me and the marriage I realize it was really very unhealthy! I spent a lot of time and energy trying to run interference and I am tired! It was such an unpredictable environment that I always tried to stay one step ahead of it. Some of you have commented that perhaps the new approach to finances contributed to the stress and honestly, I just don’t know! The feedback was so inconsistent! Sometimes very supportive, sometimes very bothered, often completely disinterested. There’s a long way to go with trying to figure all of this out and I am already finding peace with just giving up that quest because I just don’t think there will ever be a suitable answer.
A couple of funny notes about all of this. Thankfully, through the grace of God, my humor is intact. My family uses humor to deal with stress. We always have. Every day, especially the darkest ones, must have a laugh out loud moment and for today it was this: I sort of feel like a bad country song right now. “I didn’t get the job….my husband left me…” but thank goodness my doggies are doing just fine! I laughed out loud all by myself at my desk today as that popped into my head and then I shared it with my dear friends at the office. We all laughed!
Some of you also commented about the new found good things I’ve started just since blogging. I am so glad that I found my way to yoga, couponing and real food during what I now see to be an incredible stressful time. I think I was coping with the pressure cooker I was living in by making myself very busy with those activities and I suppose that is okay and better than picking up a habit like say… crack cocaine. 😉 While I haven’t had much of an appetite this week I have continued real food for the kids and of that I am very proud!
Final thought for tonight: I am a better mother for this experience. I worked very hard to teach my kids to communicate from a very young age (use your words! use your words) and the payoff is showing every day. Blending a family led to my two kids and I communicating even more than I believe we would have without the experience. I wanted them to know it was okay to appropriately express their anxiety and stress about the new situation and thankfully they have thus far. Perhaps if we didn’t have this experience we would have become more complacent in our communication at critical ages.
And so tomorrow is a new day! Carry on!
Born and raised in Texas. I’ve at least driven through every state in the US courtesy of a roadtrip loving Dad.
I’m single with two children and a good parenting relationship with their father.
I am a “life is just half full of funny” kinda gal. Humor is my saving grace and I am thankful for it every single day. I have a strong Catholic faith and am thankful for that foundation.
I read a lot for a living but still enjoy a good book. I love biographies but in recent years have found the need for fun fictional books–sadly, for a long time I just didn’t enjoy fiction!
I love live theatre of any kind–from local productions to Broadway.
I love to scrapbook and pride myself in my kids’ albums.
I love being a mom but also love my career. I’m blessed to have found a balance allowing me to be at everything my kids need and want me to be at–while also having a career.
Favorite Quotes: Well behaved women rarely make history.
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. -James Bryant Conant
Over the next few months you’ll write many country song titles. May they all make you laugh.
So happy that you and your kids talk things out. Much as I truly loved and respected my mother, talking things out never happened in our house.
Your strength in dealing with home,work, and money issues is inspiring.
Dear Claire,
I read your blog every night after my kids and hubby go to bed. I check three sites before I turn in at night: Dave Ramsey’s forums, Diana Gabaldon’s fan page and then yours. This is my time to regroup before turning in for the night. I just wanted you to know what an inspiration your writing has become to me. Blessings and Prayers for you and your children.
Humor is the best thing to keep depression away. Looks like you know how to cope with this situation. I think you are an exceptional mom for immediately thinking about the kids. Not a lot of women going through the same kind of trauma can do that. Take care and be well!
As a good friend often says:
this, too, shall pass…
In the interest of humor, crack cocaine would have REALLY blown the budget.
Claire,
Praying for you during this difficult time.
As a trial attorney, I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that social media is fair game in divorce proceedings so be careful what you say!
Claire,
Steve has given you excellent words here. I am sad that you are going through this. I think it would be really uplifting and healthy for you to change the $ figures so that you are only seeing your debt and the reductions you spoke about yesterday are reflected in the amounts.
Take care of you!
It’s been a busy week, and I’m just now catching up on your posts… I am SO sorry this is happening to you. The saddest part is that this isn’t the first time you have separated. I know this can’t be easy, but you are a strong woman and you will come out even stronger on the other side. Blessings and prayers to you.
Sounds like you are doing well. It almost seems like you communicated better with your first husband than the second one! I was thinking last night about your real food journey and if you were going to stay on it. Glad to hear you are.
I am glad you are not trashing steve. If for some reason you guys got together again, it would be hard having that negativity all over the internet. But at the same time, actions speak louder than words and it sounds like he didn’t make an effort at better communication before calling it quits.
Good luck going through all the ups and downs that are sure to come. My neighbor has been fighting cancer for almost 2 years and we have gotten word that he will be passing soon. He leaves a family of 6 kids behind. It is never easy. Big problems and small problems. Thy will be done is the best approach.
This story is very inspirational. I am also just starting a blog on my debt journey.
It sucks to be on the receiving end of a break up, but some day when it is all over and settled you will look back at your early posts and be relieved. So, let me be the first to say it CONGRATULATIONS!
You’ve always seemed very even handed about Steve in the posts. In a way that was sending up red flag vibes for me. As if I was reading Miss Manners, Attorney at Law talking about him. I have no doubt that you will come out the other side of this in a better place.
Stay strong, Sister.
Wow Emmi. I referred a couple of friends to your comment and we all agreed that you hit the nail RIGHT on the head. I didn’t realize it let alone had I given words to it, but you sure did! Thank you!
Claire,
From the beginning of your time on this blog, you have struck me as a strong, confident, smart, and gosh darn it, incredible woman 🙂 I sometimes wondered if you were human, with all the things you do, accomplish, and know.
I was sad to see the update post with the news. Prayers and thoughts to you and your family.
I am in a very similar boat right now. I initiated the divorce, but it sounds like our husbands could be twin brothers. Most of your last two posts could have been talking about my life. Despite the challenges, the relief of getting out of a horribly unhealthy situation is amazing. Hope that’s the case for you, too.
Sounds like you are as sensible, funny, and even-headed as you always have seemed on the blog. Sending you many happy vibes…
Thanks so much for this! I am lucky to have lot of energy and enthusiasm that carries me through the day. I do get a lot done and, honestly I think that intimidated Steve. He’d never admit that but that’s my opinion.
Claire,
I am a very firm believer in 2 things offered by the universe- the first is we are never given ANYTHING that the universe knows we can not handle be it good or bad but everything does happen for a reason(we just may not know why in hell the curve ball was thrown at us at the time!) You are a strong woman which clearly I don’t need to tell you & this is but a speed bump on life’s highway.
The 2nd thing is that karma does exist and one needs to be very careful about what you do to another and when I speak abt this – it is what is done to others with a malice inside(that is ,the perp knows exactly what they are doing or saying to the other- in this case Steve knew before he dropped the news thus his actions were thought out prior& done with intent hence what I mean abt malice). All I can say is that I am glad it is him and not you for whom the karma bell does toll( and when he least suspects it Karma will come knocking).
You will walk through this and you( and the children) WILL come out on the other side a thousand times stronger, wiser and in a much better place for all of you.
Keep your head and chin up & keep going forward as you have been since taking over this blog-we are all rooting for you!!!!( including this Canuk)
Amen! A big AMEN!
I’ve been reading this blog for years, but rarely comment. I’ve really enjoyed your thoughts and am now adding to other’s comments – so sorry to hear about your husband’s actions.
He must be quite troubled. Good luck with continuing on – and fabulous that you have such a great sense of humour.
I am so sorry Claire. As hard as this time is going to be for you, it does sound as though you have a strong team behind you, remember that. Also, thanks for sharing something so private and difficult with us. I am sending good thoughts your way.
I’m so, so sorry for this. Been there, done that, it’s hard. I’m afraid it didn’t come as much of a surprise here either. Your strength and grace will carry you far, but it will take time.
I second the poster who said to get rid of that auto loan and post your updated numbers.
Also, although I know it’s soon, I assume, and fervently hope that you will not be solely responsible for the remainder of that debt (even once the van is taken out of the equation).
We are all rooting for you!
Once the shared debts that were created in the last year are addressed (the vehicles), the remaining debt is mine alone. We did not combine finances until right before I started blogging. Prior to that we were splitting expenses down the middle and each responsible for what we brought in to the marriage. What I put into his house (difference b/w rent and mortgage) pretty much equals what he put into the last 3 months of debt repayment. Put another way, although we were married almost 3 years we were completely financially separate until pretty recently. I don’t feel shortchanged on the money side of things at all. Could I have perhaps put more into paying off debt over the last 3 years? Definitely. But would I have? Probably not. My new habits did not set in until very recently.
Also, I’m wondering about the other auto loan. If one was the van, I’m assuming the other might be Steve’s car? So wouldn’t you be losing that too?
I know it’s VERY early days, but also thinking that it might make you feel MUCH better to see your debt numbers go WAY down. 🙂
Another thought. I belong to a website of (mainly but not only) women trying to get out of debt. I never had much consumer debt, but I have mortgage debt. Sometimes, the husbands aren’t on board. Often, the couples struggle because the wife wants to get out of debt, and the husband isn’t bothered by it. And sometimes when the wife becomes adamant about getting out of debt, the husband leaves.
It also works the other way around, of course, but there are mainly women on that site. I have seen this happen more than once.
I plan on working on this at some point this weekend. Yes, one of the car loans is Steve’s and he is working to refinance in his name alone. The van loan is gone and I took out a smaller loan and even since my original post about the separation that loan has gotten even smaller! I probably won’t go into a lot of detail on what exactly happened but it will show up in my debt tally.
So it looks like you may be losing about 40K in debt from both car loans?!
I have to admit that your last comment is very intriguing lol!
As intriguing as the details may be, we don’t need them. We just want you to update with lower numbers.
Remember to take them off both sides. 🙂
Also, I’m glad you have posted what you paid off rather than just the zeros.
debt haven, just a reminder that many of the $0 balance credit cards are the result of balances being transferred to the new consolidation loan to get a reasonable interest rate while actually paying them off. The three CCs not transferred to the consolidation loan, the auto loans and building the emergency fund are where the bulk of the debt reduction/savings has been going so far.
IOW, you need to take off the old car debt and add the new car debt, especialy since you have already posted an “update” on the “new car debt” which doesn’t appear here (yet). I mean that the car debt doesn’t appear here yet, although your update does. So for you to get “credit” for it, you need to add in your new car debt (as you take off the debt for the van and for Steve’s car).
Hope this makes sense!
Claire,
Since your first post this seemed to be your own journey, not the journey of you and Steve. You were moving really fast and he was left behind you, not because of you but because his own decision.
As Emmi said, a lot of read flags can be read between lines.
You can make it, you’ve already broken the inertia, nor a step backward from here onwards.
God bless you.
All will be well…