by Claire
Steve unexpectedly informed me on Friday afternoon that he had signed a lease for an apartment and was moving out this weekend. Yes, this would be the same Steve who posted that August 24, 2012 comment as “Claire’s Husband.” If you’ve read that comment and are now reading that he abruptly moved out of the house, I don’t think I really need to say anything else about what it was like to try to communicate and live with my husband. It sort of gives a whole new meaning to “he loves me, he loves me not.” Five days after that nauseating testament of how awesome I am, he signed a lease behind my back using a check from our joint account with no notice. That check for $440 cleared the account on Friday night just hours after he shared his news. The reason I was given was basically admitting defeat that we just can’t get along. I found out later he shared the news with others before telling me anything. Add to this that he did this exact bit almost exactly one year ago (August 19, 2011) not quite as abruptly and not entirely behind my back, but he left. That saga cost us a LOT of money and some of the debt you’ve seen here was from that time. He wanted to come back in a matter of days but I didn’t agree until mid-October, 2011.
It really seemed that it was the rock bottom he needed to hit in order to get the help he needs. We did marital counseling but it takes two and if one or both of the individuals don’t address their personal stuff, joint counseling has little value. I knowingly entered into the two car notes jointly with him. I married him in the Catholic Church on February 29, 2012. I chalk that up as my biggest regret as that actually meant something to me and it clearly did not to Steve. In the last 2 months it had again deteriorated and the swings were very dramatic. I told him on Friday that this is his choice and that I do not agree that this is the way to handle, but I will not ask him to stay. If he isn’t in it, he isn’t in it. I will not be the one to do the (free) handling of the divorce he wants as I started to do last go ’round though. I have way too much on my plate. I will sign a waiver but he needs to handle everything else.
I will not make this blog a forum for my divorce proceedings. I am profoundly sad. I cannot comprehend an adult doing this to children now twice. I’ve already gotten my two in to talk to their counselor. I sob at the thought of ushering them through this but I also know if anyone can do it, it is me. I have an incredible support system in my family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc and I am so thankful! I do not go an hour without getting a text message checking on me and those efforts by loved ones are what will get us through this nightmare. There’s a long road ahead but in just these 5 days, each moment I can feel relief replacing grief. I will not stay in this marriage. I still love the Steve I met and fell in love with 4 years ago but I will not be subjected to nor subject my children to this.
There are two sides to every story and I do not want to hear from anyone in a Steve bashing way. I am not saying you would automatically take my side and do that, but I want to be clear that I have no desire for that to occur. While I am not certain, I would think he would have dropped off the feed and won’t even be reading this. But I always, always take the high road even if it almost kills me to do it and this situation will be no different.
For those of you who like to make sure I include debt reduction in my posts, there is good news/bad news on that front. I signed the lease on the house for another year the day after Steve signed his apartment lease behind my back. The lease here was in just my name b/c of last year’s fiasco and I simply got lazy (weird for me) and did not have him added back to the lease. Maybe though I had a feeling that this might happen, I don’t know. I do think I could get out of this lease given the circumstances but I have to face my limitations. I do not have a move in me right now and do not have it in me to help my kids through that. While the house is entirely too big for just the three of us (especially given the amount of time my two spend with their Dad), the payment is not insane. I also already bought a different vehicle so my overall debt will be going down by around $26,000. Those of you with a wish to get me to trade in the new van got your wish! 😉 That’s the good news. The bad news is obviously my income has decreased but by my initial calculations, I have near $2,000 extra to put toward debt each month which is not counting the minimum payments. I will update the numbers sometime this week. My grocery budget is going to go way, way down and I will have savings on utilities as well since I work in an office and my kids are not here the entire month. It is funny to me that I am back to that number that has haunted me for the last 10 years—$60,000! BUT the good news is I now have skills in saving money and WILL get that debt paid off! I also have some opportunities brewing to make some extra income–maybe $500 per month or so.
Things are going to be just fine. I don’t want to leave the impression that I am doing great with this whole thing b/c I am not but when someone handles something this big, this poorly…it does make it slightly easier to cope.
Born and raised in Texas. I’ve at least driven through every state in the US courtesy of a roadtrip loving Dad.
I’m single with two children and a good parenting relationship with their father.
I am a “life is just half full of funny” kinda gal. Humor is my saving grace and I am thankful for it every single day. I have a strong Catholic faith and am thankful for that foundation.
I read a lot for a living but still enjoy a good book. I love biographies but in recent years have found the need for fun fictional books–sadly, for a long time I just didn’t enjoy fiction!
I love live theatre of any kind–from local productions to Broadway.
I love to scrapbook and pride myself in my kids’ albums.
I love being a mom but also love my career. I’m blessed to have found a balance allowing me to be at everything my kids need and want me to be at–while also having a career.
Favorite Quotes: Well behaved women rarely make history.
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. -James Bryant Conant
Aw, I’m so sad to hear this news. You have made such amazing progress on your debt so far, and I know that you are going to be just fine. Sending hugs from the Pacific Northwest! 🙂
wow 50 comments by now. But I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be praying for you and everyone in this situation. *hugs*
I am so so sorry for you and the kids. I know how hard this can/will be, I went thru something very similar too. It takes time but eventually you come out on the other side a better person for it. Praying for you and the kids. {{hugs}}.
I am sorry to hear this too, even though I have just “met” you and started reading your blog.
I always feel so bad when couples break up, but kids are resiliant! They will be okay.
You just gotta stay strong.
oh Claire ((hugs)) sorry to hear your news, take care and I am glad to hear you have good family support to help you through this
Oh Claire. I rarely comment on blogs as well, but I am going to say along with the others that I am sad you have to go through this. I wish the best for all involved, especially the kids.
Good luck with everything, and we will keep following you, keeping you honest with your debt in the months to come. You will not be abandoned! 🙂
Claire – I am so sorry to hear of this situation. I felt it must have been something along those lines when you posted earlier. From a reader standpoint, you are certainly handling this situation with grace and dignity. I wish you all the best and continued success also in your debt reduction – it may be easier from the standpoint of no longer having to consider anyone but yourself/your children when making those debt reduction decisions. I don’t mean to imply that any of this is easy but you are doing amazing things. Keep up the good work and your readers are cheering for you.
Claire, am sending you good energy. That’s all that needs to be said. Things will work out. We are also a part of your support system.
Claire – maybe a decrease in income but a huge increase in love, success, peace of mind, and grace. Positive vibes to you!
Big hugs, Claire.
I’m so sorry that you and your children (and his children) are having to deal with this. What a mess your husband has created. Divorce and long-term breakups are so hurtful – almost like a death in some ways. But when you’re more distant from this, you’ll look back and be thankful. You are meant to be with someone who treats you better, who has better basic life skills, and who has your same level of emotional intelligence and communication skills. Hopefully the therapy that you’ve done will also play a part in helping you choose a better life partner should you decide to date again.
Congratulations on dumping the car debt!!!!! That’s amazing. I hope it feels LIBERATING to trade in a hunk of metal for thousands of dollar in freedom lifted from your shoulders! I’d take a crappy car over debt any day.
You are going to be so much stronger without Steve. My mom warned me not to marry someone who I had to drag behind me. If you stayed married, much of your life energy would be devoted to dragging Steve behind you – financially, emotionally, trying to figure out what on earth he’s saying and thinking, etc. Now you’ll eventually get to devote more of that energy to your kids, yourself, financial freedom and other important life goals.
I’m going back through comments here and I love this one Margot! Thank you! And you are so right about having some distance from the situation and being thankful. I’m already there.
Claire, I’m so sorry you’re in a place of upheaval now. I, too, have been there, and I know how you feel.
Sending lots of hugs and good energy to you and your children.
I can only imagine how wonderful you’re going to feel when you come out on the other side of this, healthy, happy and debt free. And we’ll be here cheering you on, all the way.
I don’t know what to say Claire…I thought this might be a possibility after your last post, but I’m still stunned…..and I don’t even know you.
The most positive of vibes are coming to you from me in Minnesota. You said it yourself….you can handle anything.
And you are certainly doing it with more grace than many of us would.
Thanks Holly. This too shall pass. Like I said in the post, the manner in which he handled this was so distasteful that it really helped in the end. He even sent a text that said it was like “ripping off a bandaid.” Nice.
Wow, this was unexpected, but I love that you finished on a positive note. The world will not end. You and your children will come out on top. And I agree with you about the high road. Sending hugs your way.
I re-read your post today, and realized…all that debt is yours, alone? Won’t Steve be responsible for any of it?
I am so sad and sorry to hear about your current situation. I am not sure what to say to offer you any comfort but please know that you and your kids are in my thoughts! I think that you are a strong person and time will hopedully make things better.
Claire, I usually read daily but am a few days behind since work has been busy. reading this post made me think of my seperation and subsequent divorce a couple years ago. I totally know what you are going through. feel free to reach out for support….