by Ashley
I apologize for the only tangentially debt-related post. But it’s certainly relevant to our monthly spending as well as my income.
I’m so tired. So, so tired.
I don’t want to be all “poor me” and pity partying – especially when there are people with real problems all around.
But sometimes it just seems so hard. Life, that is.
And if I survive the “terrible two’s” it will be a miracle.
If I can survive the terrible twos while only having the girls in childcare 2 days a week it will be a miracle of epic proportions.
So, yeah. I’m struggling. And my work is taking a hit as a result. Which is not something I can afford.
Soooooo, I’ve started looking into other childcare options. I just feel so defeated about it. There’s no such thing as a “perfect” solution (I guess unless you have Mary Poppins in the family or as a neighbor). We have toured about a million different places and none of them give me the warm fuzzies. I take it back. ONE gives me the warm fuzzies….but it’s a solid 30-40 minute drive each-way and costs even more than we’re paying now. Exorbitant, I tell you (not to mention the 2+ hours of driving per day just to pick up/drop off at daycare).
I’m at a loss for what to do. Nothing is changing now, so we’ll keep on paying an arm and a leg for our current “meh” best-of-what-we-can-do-right-now situation. Granted, they always seem like they’re having a blast when I go to pick them up at the end of the day. And its very clean and new and nice and all. But it doesn’t pass the “warm fuzzy” test.
I’m probably being too stringent in my criteria. But it’s my children, for God’s sake.
So, yeah.
Tell me this gets easier.
Hi, I’m Ashley! Arizonan on paper, Texan at heart. Lover of running, blogging, and all things cheeeeese. Freshly 40, married mother of two, working in academia. Trying to finally (finally!) pay off that ridiculous 6-digit student loan debt!
Ashley, is there any way that you could hire a day nanny who comes to your home? Would it work if she she came half days 4 days a week? I know that childcare is such a concern these days.
My granddaughter was in a childcare center until she was 3 1/2. The first couple years went great with warm and caring caregivers. Then she advanced to an older class and was unhappy. There just weren’t “warm fuzzies” there either. That’s when her mom, our daughter, decided to chuck it all and stay home. They downgraded their lifestyle (no debt), and it has worked out well.
I don’t know if working at home would work for you. Do you have a private office space?
I should say that I don’t know if working from home with the GIRLS THERE is a viable option.
Yeah, I’m not sure about that. We had a “nanny” when the girls were very young (but only 1 day a week) and it was always an awkward situation. I would go work at a library, but husband’s job is such that he might have unexpected days off and it was uncomfortable for him to be in the home alone with the nanny (we didn’t want to tell her she wasn’t needed because she relied on the income and we didn’t want her to quit!) I think being out of the home is preferred, but I’m open to anything. I’m also hoping that maybe if I give our current situation another week or two it will grow on me. It’s only been 2 weeks (only 4 days total since they only go 2/week), so I could be freaking out because of the new-ness. I don’t know….
Hugs!
It will get better but you have to find something that works in the meantime. Do you live around family? Do you have any nieces or nephews that like kids that could just come over to “play” with the girls while you work. Like say 8/9 yr olds…. so you wouldn’t be able to leave them completely alone but you might be able to get some work done…and pay them somehting minimal which would be huge at their age?
We don’t (GIANT frowny face!). Our closest family is over a 12-hour drive away. I’ve thought about trying to find a “mommy’s helper” type situation, but school starts in 2 weeks so this probably won’t work.
With what you pay for daycare, I bet you could get someone to come in to watch the girls like the PP said 3-4 days a week while you work. You should check it out. Also, maybe look into sharing a nanny expense with a neighbor who has small children as well.
I would give it a little more time. If they are having fun that’s a great sign!
In the meantime you could ask for recommendations from other people you know with little kids – at church, at the playground, etc….some libraries even have a list of local daycare centers…..
As the mother of teenagers who worked 1 1/2 days a week when they were young, childcare was a huge headache. We finally found a mom who took in kids on a part time basis and she was licensed and our kids got along with her kids – so a win-win. It does get better as the kids get older, but the relief when the childcare years were over was huge – you’ll get there too!
And maybe once the girls are 3 you can enroll them in 3 year old pre-school?
Yes! This is the plan! In all my searching I’ve come across several high quality pre-schools in our area. They’re all for 3+, but they would be literally half of what we’re currently paying and would provide more care (either 3 full days or 5 half-days), so if we can make it through this year things will start looking “up” in this regard.
I think those were the hardest years of my life. I certainly get it. My spouse does not even work but we had our kids in care 2-3 days a week. The daycare provider we found was priceless. She was our “family” in a city where we had no family. I have no idea how we would have survived with our sanity, without that help. Hang in there! Just keep looking and asking everyone and it will eventually work out.
Without debt we had the luxury to be pretty picky on the childcare side of things. IT’s the part-time care that is SO hard to find though.
I remember the stress of those days very clearly (my children are MS/ HS age now), it was so hard. Our eventual solution was a child care switch with a good friend of mine. We both were working part time so we came up with a work schedule on opposite days and watched each others children. It was exhausting but looking back great memories, especially for the kids. On some days that meant 6 kids in the house yikes! But we always knew our kids were well cared for and it was free!
What a fabulous situation! I have one girlfriend who works part-time and I’ve mentioned trying a trade like this. She said ok, but seemed kind of “meh” about it. I’ve brought it up again once since then with about the same result. It’s kind of awkward because I don’t want to force my kids on her. It basically seemed like she would do it to help me out, but she didn’t really seem enthused. To be fair, though, both she and her husband work from home so I think they switch off work time with each other and don’t really “NEED” to trade care with someone else.
Yes I don’t think we would have been able to do if we were working from home…..especially if our husbands were working from home also.
Oh I feel your pain, Ashley. I work from home and am in grad school, and because I am starting my internship soon am having to find extra care for my precious 15 mo! One thing that worked while I did my practicum in the Spring and will hopefully work as I do my internship this year is having a girl come to the house while I’m gone. I know it can be awkward to be here, but maybe you can go out to a coffee shop if you need the space, or go to the back room? And if you are wondering where to look for a “mommy’s helper” I suggest looking at local homeschool groups. The girl we hire is a WONDERFUL, sweet, responsible 17 (now 18) year old) who was finishing up high school/taking a partial gap year and doing some community college classes. She only charges $8 an hour! If I had 2 I would pay more, but it’s still a steal and she loves the work and loves our baby! I love having our daughter in our home environment and feel more comfortable with it all the way around. Anyway, we are also going to enroll her in our local church’s preschool for 2 days a week so I can do school work and other work for 11 hours/week without her here. The one near us is $180/month for 11 hours a week! I’d say that is a steal. Hope you can find something similar….childcare is so stressful and SO important as our babies are priceless!
You could also try looking for a nanny share. You would have to specify that it must be in the other family’s home but it cuts the cost of a nanny and they are with other kids and out of the house while you work.
I was going to suggest a nanny share as well.
Good luck!
I don’t know what “warm and fuzzy” means to you but if your girls are having a good time generally and happy to enter the facility (and you know they are safe of course) then keep in mind that you and your husband provide them with warm and fuzzy all the rest of the time! Perfect rarely exists but very good is precious.
That’s a good point. They don’t like being dropped off and often cry (but this is also the case at the gym daycare and was the case initially when we did in-home), but when we go to pick them up they are happy, playing, etc. so I’m assuming the crying only lasts a short time right at drop-off. It’s still tough to deal with. And I think they may be a bit overwhelmed by the number of children since they don’t have experience with a classroom-type setting with lots of other kids. It overwhelms me, too, but I’m hoping it provides some opportunities for socialization as well.
AH, the don’t leave me crying. When I helped out at my children’s day care (back in the dark ages I know) virtually all the children all of the time stopped crying very quickly. Some stopped crying the minute the door closed after the parent left. Of course twins may keep each other going a while longer. I would think the key is that they are happy when you pick them up. If you can I would drop by in the middle of a day to observe and yes, they are getting important socialization that is a big change. Give it time.
Have you considered a “Mother’s Helper”? When my daughter was little a high school girl from our neighborhood would come over for a few hours during the day or after school while I was home and entertain my daughter so I could get something done! 🙂 Pay was minimal (maybe $5 to $10 per hour) and I would tell her – I need 3 hours by myself to do some work and she would make it happen! I posted on facebook that I needed someone and a friend recommended her friend’s daughter and it worked out great! You could also contact local community college or high schools that have early childhood programs and they can “advertise” among their students
I agree; I was actually going to suggest this earlier. It’s a great job for a high-schooler or even middle school if you don’t need her to be able to drive. The thing is, you would need a space in your house where you could go and close the door to do your work, and whoever you hire would need to be able to gently steer the kids away from piping up to see what you’re doing. That way you’re there for emergencies but the care costs a LOT less.
If it helps at all I don’t think any mother is 100 percent happy with any childcare situation 100 percent of the time. As a stay at home mom I can attest to this 🙂 As a former daycare worker and then home day care provider I can tell you that if you liked the idea of more structure, more learning, and starting preschool soon than you are doing the right thing. Keep your end (like the “next” end) in mind. If that is preschool than it is beneficial for your child to get accustomed to a room with a group of children in it. The steps you are taking now will help that transition be an easier one.
You could try looking for someone who’s homeschooled for a mother’s helper. I did this a couple days a week when I was in high school. I had the flexibility to shift the time spent on my school around the days I babysat.
My experience (single mother) is that the difficulty comes in waves. This bit is hard, then it gets easier, then something new crops up that is hard again. My son is 4 and I’m *assuming* that once he is at school it will be easier!! At least I will get adult time (even if it’s work time) five days a week. Regarding the child care, sounds like you have a tough time finding places you like. I can empathise a bit. The first place I sent my son to, I took him out after three weeks. Too many children crying whilst unattended by a carer and he was weepy when he saw me at pickup. I then paid $96 a day for a friend to take him with her own preschool children – it was expensive but worth it for my peace of mind and his development, as they had a fantastic bond. Then I did the tour of child cares and wasn’t happy with anything I saw – but my childcare needs and finances were desperate, so I found one that I considered good enough. (Subsidised long day care at $20 a day – I’m in Australia.) I’m still not completely comfortable with it as there are a few carers who speak unkindly to the children (yesterday one told a child to stop crying as his mummy would be here soon – it was harsher than it sounds in writing, and I was there for 20 minutes after that and his Mummy hadn’t come yet and that’s a very long time for a three year old). HOWEVER my son likes it, he’s happy to go, happy to be picked up, and I get to earn money or have sanity time while he is there. There is one carer that he has a positive bond with who does not speak unkindly, and I think that makes THE difference to both of our comfort levels. My ultimate advice is to listen to your gut – does your gut say this childcare is not good for your kids, or is that worry something coming from your head/your guilty conscience/your drive to over-achieve? (That’s where mine comes from!!)
Hate to tell you this but the twos were easy for us. The threes about killed us!
Lol – don’t tell me this!!! : )
Its only been 4 days and your two-year olds have never been in a daycare situation like the center they are in. Of course they are going to cry when you drop them off. If your instincts aren’t telling you that something is wrong, you need to give it a fair shot. My five year old still clings to me when I drop her off sometimes. This daycare will likely get them ready for preschool so they can get the most out of that.
Btw, 2 was way way worse than 3.