by Hope
One of the hardest things that I have had to give up during this journey is my desire to foster/adopt children from the US foster care system. It just hurts my heart to think of children in limbo and without a family to support them. I know this is just a temporary delay and a wise financial move as I will be in a much better place to care for children once my financial house in order.
With that being said…God works in mysterious ways and I’m so thrilled about it! The local county has a family in preventative care, and I won’t go into details, but since I have a huge car, seem to be competent to deal with multiple children and for years have pestered them for more kids…I got three, yes THREE more placed here Friday.
So before you jump down my throat, let me be clear. These are just day placements meaning I only have the kids during the day. It’s only for 11 days and they are not consecutive. And I am compensated as a child care provider.
Evidently, my willingness to take all three and having the big car were the deciding factors when they chose me, and knowing that I thrive in chaos. My kids are thrilled, I am thrilled and so I’m getting to serve children in a way that is critical to me without sacrificing my financial journey. (No, I have no desire to run a day care center, but right now this is what I can offer!)
I did have to change my part time work schedule due to the days I was needed for these kids, but I am so grateful for such a great boss and job who understand this need and are supportive of my flexible schedule. I continue to work my regular jobs without interruption with this placement.
Hope is a creative, solutions-focused business manager helping clients grow their business and work more efficiently by leveraging expertise in project management, digital marketing, & tech solutions. She’s recently become an empty nester as her 5 foster/adoptive kids have spread their wings. She lives with her 3 dogs in a small town in NE Georgia and prefers the mountains to the beaches any day. She struggles with the travel bug and is doing her best to help each of her kids as their finish schooling and become independent (but it’s hard!) She has run her own consulting company for almost twenty years! Hope began sharing her journey with the BAD community in the Spring of 2015 and feels like she has finally in a place to really focus on making wise financial decisions.
I have always admired your big heart open for more children. I am not like that and I cannot even imagine what it is like to have a kid. This works for everyone involved so, Yay! for you… You will not break the bank and will be able to provide some security and lots of love for those three kids for 11 days. I think, this is pretty awesome. It will be a little difficult with the preparations for the move but, I am sure you can do it. Good Luck!
Thank you for the support, TPol. You are right that it might make getting prepared for our move a bit more complicated; however, it will also force me to use my free time even more intentionally and therefore more efficiently I hope.
While I applaud your willingness, is this the best time? I know it is for the day….and it isn’t consecutive….but you are in the middle of trying to move your family, start school again, and continue to work? And if you are being pulled in 5 different directions, how is that offering stability to your new kids?
With all due respect….think about how you got into debt….was part of it overextending yourself? Maybe? Unless you change habits and patterns, you will end up back where you started.
As I have struggled with my own debt repayment, sometimes I have to look at WHY I am doing something, and I can fully admit that there are emotional reasons behind some things. That said, it doesn’t mean that those were the right decisions.
Mysti,
I know exactly why I foster and you are right, it is emotional. However, with that being said 1) at worst financially this a is wash. The compensation I am receiving more than covers the cost of feeding these three kids and that is the only financial obligation I have with their care; and 2) my state of transition and busyness was made known to the agency and the family before I agreed. The kids come over and play, I feed them and they play some more. They participate in anything our family is doing as if they were family…
Luckily my job can be worked wherever I am and with whomever around so it does not affect that at all.
How does this delay your plan to sell your car? Think back to the day a couple months ago where you had to dip into your emergency cash to fuel your vehicle. Getting out of debt is critical to being able to care for the children you have. What if after fueling that vehicle, you needed to rush someone to the doctor and were asked to pay a $20 copay? I realize paying down debt seems like something you are doing for yourself and helping children is doing something for others, but you have to see that not having your financial cards in place is jeopardizing your family.
It does not delay that plan at all. I am not obligated to take the children anywhere. It’s just nice to be able too! The van is still on the market…unfortunately the market for a used, commercial van is not super high in the city we live in. I’ve had two parties interested…one went out and bought a new one and one may still make an offer (they borrowed it Friday to drive.)
(I look at the numbers without the dad debt and van debt every week and getting antsy with excitement, everything other than my student loans would be paid off in 2015! So I’m definitely still aiming for that goal!)
I didn’t realize the extra kids were only with you during the day – that’s not nearly as much of an extra obligation. All the best with getting the vehicle sold in the next couple of weeks – here’s to hoping your interested party makes an offer.
Hope
Very few people understand this or have the heart for fostering/adopting. I do so I understand because we have been where you are. Ignore the harsh comments and love those children in this way.
If more people had heart’s to do this there would be a lot loss messed up kids. It is always the right time to open your heart and home to a child who doesn’t have one. I know how painful the decision to put off fostering is for you and this perfect to fill that void temporarily.
Anette,
Thank for your understanding. I am certainly taking a beating on this one so I truly appreciate that someone understands my heart in all this! (And that I tried my best to make it a financial wash rather than obligation.)
What a great way to truly make a difference and still move forward in getting to a financial place where you can foster as much as you want to! From a purely financial stand point, it sounds like a wash at very worst. From the stand point of what really matters, it sounds like an amazing win! I am so glad you got this opportunity.
Shaun,
Thank you for posting your supportive comment, it means a lot when people understand my heart, and see that at worst it is a financial wash. I am not trying to jeopardize my debt free journey in any way, but know first hand that even one day can change the direction of a child’s life.
How exciting Hope!! I truly appreciate and respect the way you manage to continue serving and giving to others when it would be easy to just focus in yourself and your family right now. My parents always said that there’s “never enough time to minister to others, so just add it into the schedule and less important things will fall away” or something like that. Basically if we wait until we have margin we probably won’t ever give back! I love your perspective on this and think its a great example to your kids. I do think self care and setting limits is important to teach your kids also, but that’s why you’re not taking on foster kids right now, right?? Hope the placement goes well and I know that their interaction with a loving family could be a very significant experience for these kids.
-AY
AY,
I completely agree with you on self care and setting limits. I’ve also taught the kids to do what you have to do and then what you want to do. We’ve broken this move transition up to bite size pieces and with 5 more weeks to go I’m feeling very good about where we are at!
I LOVE your parents perspective about scheduling it as a to do rather than waiting on the time to fit it in. That probably applies to how we live just in a less conscious effort. Because we school year round and don’t have alot of distractions in the home, other than our scheduled activities we have lots of free time and down time that can be filled with this type of giving. And it is certainly a good lesson for my kids to learn…
after reading this i can completely understand your dad putting his foot down about the housing situation. you seem to be a very impulsive person and i think you are biting off more than you can chew at an already stressful time. sorry to seem judgmental but i’m looking at this from your dad’s shoes.
Ginsue,
You are absolutely right in that there was a lot more to my dad’s side of the story, but since he has not signed up to bear his financial soul here, I did not feel it was my place to do so.
Actually the stress and shock of the sudden move have already faded and with a bite size schedule of moving “jobs” to get done on a daily/weekly basis, I and and kids are feeling really good about what we are doing.
And exposing my children to other children who live different lives…well, it only serves to enhancement their own, and maybe make them a little more grateful for what we do have.
Hope, I think it’s great you have a huge heart. At this point and time however, I think you are overextending yourself. Respectfully, you are a single parent trying to get your financial house in order, feed a family of 5 on a meager $75 a week, own your own business, work a part time job, homeschool, move to another apartment, downsize, sell your furnishings, sell your car and now you are taking on more? I mean, when I type it, I feel sorry for you or anyone trying to do all of that. I mean that sincerely. One of the most difficult tasks for anyone is learning how to manage their time. Creating boundaries, whether it’s financial boundaries so we don’t overextend ourselves, time boundaries so we don’t spread ourselves too thin or work boundaries so we don’t work 24/7 is tough. No one can do it all. If you keep taking on more, you are going to weaken your immune system and get very sick and you won’t be able to help anyone. It’s great to have a good heart and when I see the stories on the news of the crazy cat lady who has 200 animals in her hoarder home, I think about a woman who loves animals but to anyone on the outside looking in, the woman clearly overextended herself and didn’t do those animals a favor. Now I am not comparing you to a crazy cat lady (and I for one love cats so I wouldn’t do that, lol) but it’s more the example of someone overextending themselves even though their heart is in the right place.
I am the mother of a severely mentally and physically disabled child. I have to be careful all the time about overextending myself (I have a mother with dementia in a nursing home, a former MIL with cancer and former SIL that just had a stroke) and carving out even 10 minutes a day for me is tough. Any spare time is visiting my Mom or calling on of my relatives. I get it. I also know that when I overextend myself, even if my heart is in the right place by trying to help everyone else, that ultimately, I am not the best mother I could be because as some point, everyone gets tired. My point is that I think most people today, whether they are a single parent or not, can relate to wanting to do it all. I also have the help of my ex-husband, who helps me a lot with my son. You don’t have much support and that worries me since you don’t get a break. Every single mother needs a break now and then, including you.
Just recently, you wrote a post about being overwhelmed. The key is learning to set boundaries and manage your time. I am older than you and the biggest lesson I learned is that we may be able to have it all but we can’t have it all at the same time. When you get a moment, I hope you take some time to think about what you want. I want the best for you Hope. I do believe you are a nice lady with a big heart, just overextending yourself.
Mary said a lot of what I was trying to say below in a more concise manner. I think you should just take some time and think. Not many of the people here are against opening your heart and home to others so don’t take it from a defensive mindset.
Just keep in mind that it’s easiers for outsiders to see the overview than one caught up in the details
What a beautiful story Mary thank you for sharing it with the community! And excellent points!
I’m glad that you were able to find a peaceful balance for yourself, my mother is the caretaker of my sister with special needs and I always worry about all the pressure that is placed on her. She has to be a nurse, advocate, social worker and mother at home. Once my debt is paid off I plan to use the extra money that I funnel to student loans to take her on a big trip since she has given so much of herself to her children.
Sorry I should have read my comment over before I posted it… the tone of it almost sounded like I was trivializing all of the pressure you have in your life with a cheerful tone. I meant it was a beautiful story because of the strength of character you exhibit through all of your trials. I will keep your family in my prayers as well as you (that is a lot to deal with). I’m glad that your child has such a strong advocate, and that there are great people like you in the world.
Thank you Judi for the lovely compliment. I didn’t think you were trivializing it at all; it never crossed my mind. It’s a labor of love to care for my son. He is the nicest young man you would ever meet-very handsome and a very happy kid. I am blessed. While it is a lot of work sometimes, the pressure is often worrying about what will happen when I am gone since he needs total care. I am sure you Mom can relate. The trip for you Mom is a lovely idea. Thank you for your kind words and the prayers. They are much appreciated.
Mary,
I certainly appreciate your perspective, especially in light of the care needed for your son. I know I am truly blessed to have healthy, independent children, I don’t ever take it for granted. With that being said, seeing that my kids are independent and old enough to do most things for themselves (they do their own laundry, cook dinner once a week, most of their school work and know their boundaries for play,) my regular job only requires that I work 5 hours per day (7 day a week work day if I choose,) and my part time job is flexible, I have plenty of time to take on these extra kids on a temporary basis.
I would certainly have not accepted overnight care right now since so much of our furniture is already sold or broken down for the move, but with the living room in tact, the outdoors ready for play and the ability (at least until my van sells) to take them to the playground, I don’t feel like I’ve over-extended myself.
Thank you for your concern though.
(I’ve put more on the status of our move transition in previous comments so did not address it in this one.)
I agree completely with Mary.
At first, I wasn’t going to comment becuase I wasn’t sure it would be helpful – but who knows.
Personally, I think there are 2 separate issues at play here.
1. Let’s be clear, I don’t think taking these children in will be the reason you don’t get to a financially secure place. I think the children will be forever grateful (even if not now) for the stability you will be able to provide now. So in that regard, I understand your decision and the impact such a tiny thing (1 week!) will have on their lives.
2. Now, the 2nd thing is something I think you and a lot of people in this generation (myself included) suffer from. This is a feeling of entitlement. You might be shocked I used that word – for me to call someone who gives so much of herself to her kids, other people’s kids and devotes so much of herself to others, how can I even think that word in relation to you?
The thing is, I don’t think it’s entitlement to things, but entitlement to experiences, feelings andother non-tangible things. You like the feeling that helping gives, you like being able to provide. And much the same way you feel your kids are entitled to certain experiences, you are not looking to see if you are at the place where you can AFFORD to do certain things.
Much in the same way people justify “once in a lifetime” opportunities as reason enough to do something (friends wedding, cheap trip with friends to a foreign contry,) sometimes you are simply not in the position to do something or where it is better in the long run not to.
I keep saying, giving up things you can live without is not sacrifice, it’s giving up things you LOVE that is sacrifice. You think every parent doesn’t want their kid to have the best? Well, sometimes, the best is not possible, or the best that parent can give is not the best that is out there. That’s life.
This ended up longer than i planned (and not as well structured) but i hope you kind of get what I’m trying to say. It’s not this decision that’s a problem, it’s the mindset that leads to decisions like this that will make it hard for you to completely move on from this situation you are in.
I think you have to decide what’s ultimately the goal for your life. Do you just want to be generally happy and make others happy regardless of what it means for you overall financial stability? Or do you want to get out of debt and be financially free.
I think once you are financially free, you will be able to give in an even bigger way that you can now – but it will involve sacrifice NOW. There are other ways to give back to your community and the young children in need without jeopardizing the future of the kids you already have.
Unfortunately, it just seems that the way in which you WANT to contribute does not really tie into the way in which you CAN contribute.
Debtor,
I appreciate you can recognize that caring for these kids during the day for a few days is not going to affect my debt free journey. I did have a hard time following your “entitlement” idea. But I will say this…I know I cannot take in foster kids anymore and I would not have accepted any overnights at this point in our transition. However, at the time I was approached with the idea of adopting the twins I struggled with am I doing the right thing, knowing full well the financial situation the adoption would put me in…I did not make the decision lightly. And since then as I have watched the twins blossom and really come into their own as young men, despite the financial hardship and additional obligations, I know it was the right decision.
That being said, from my very first post, I made it clear that my children and their future was my number one motivator for getting my financial house in order. So if you ask me am I willing to sacrifice my happiness for my kids/other kids, absolutely. But in my world, it’s not a sacrifice, because seeing them happy, successful, well, that’s all I need to be happy.
I know that I cannot take more foster/adoptive kids on this journey. I have accepted that. But being giving this opportunity, well, it just continues to reinforce my driving desire to get in a place to care for kids…any kids place in my care. And if financially, emotionally it does not hurt us, then it can only make us stronger, right?
I don’t think I wrote my thoughts on this out very well, but I hope you heart them anyways. 🙂
Hope, as everyone has said about it’s very nice of you to be so giving and caring towards the kids. In addition to the comments above, I wonder how you earn a living? I know you work from home, but with all the other things you do in a day it doesn’t seem like you would have enough time. You said you have a very reasonable boss, just make sure you don’t push him so far he snaps.
Oops – “Hope, as everyone has said ABOVE”
I suspect that Hope has some income about which she has not been completely forthcoming. Perhaps I am out of line here? Does she receive some kind of subsidy for adopting hard-to-place older children like the twins?
That said, I think it is just plain nuts to do this at this time. I truly believe that we should do the work and tasks that are before us now to the best of our ability. If we spread ourselves too thin, everyone suffers. This in NO way means that we are ungenerous or hardhearted. There is only so much that one person can do well. Also, Hope is sending a subliminal message that her decision to buy a huge, gas guzzling vehicle is justified because she now has the ability to transport these additional children. But taking on that kind of debt and jeopardizing the financial stability of our family was not a wise move in the first place.
I agree with Mysti above that there is more to the story than meets the eye. We are reading a very sanitized version of Hope’s father’s reaction to her situation, but he knows what is really going on. I read so many blogs about personal finance and see people that simply will not make the right choices (and the HARD choices) to get out of debt. The truth is, there is a long stretch of time where we don’t get to do what we want if we want to get out of debt and help our families.
Anonymous,
This is actually the first comment I find offensive. So you’ll have to excuse me if I am a bit perturbed in my response…
1. I have always been open that I receive a special needs adoption subsidy for each of the twins and it is counted in my income.
2. I have been very open about what I do for a living. See here: https://www.bloggingawaydebt.com/2014/05/work-and-travel/ And while I do have a great stable of steady clients, I also get project work from time to time, which again I have mentioned as it comes in. Unfortunately, I also have clients who don’t pay and don’t pay on time. This was an issue this past summer, which I believe I wrote about in June.
3. Certainly there’s more to my house story, but since the other side is my dad’s and he has not chosen to bare his financial soul here, it’s not my story to tell. I have been very forthcoming on my part…I got behind in my house due to unexpected lost income last fall, I have chosen not to buy the house my dad has always intended to be mine, and my dad because it is his right asked me to move on sooner than I wanted too. That is my side…his side is his to tell, but in the end, the fault lies on me and I know that and have been honest about it here no matter how much it embarrasses me or kills me that I have put my kids in this situation.
I believe just one interaction with a child can change the course of their lives forever. I believe it because it’s happened to me multiple times. And I’ve seen it in the lives of my own children. So with this opportunity to offer these kids who are in a devastatingly hard place right now some simple love, security and kindness for a few days without putting myself or my kids in a tough situation either financially, emotionally or otherwise, then yes, I am going to take it.
Hard choices happen every day, every day. Not being there for a child in the most simplest of ways is not a choice to me when I am able.
SammieK,
I have written a couple of times about what I do. You can see the post from the beginning of the summer here: https://www.bloggingawaydebt.com/2014/05/work-and-travel/
That being said, I am able to work an average of 5 hours per day/7 days per week as well as the part time job I picked up. I can work from pretty much wherever I have internet and at whatever times work best that day. I do have “on call” hours, but those simply require that I am able to answer my phone and check my email on a regular basis. Thank goodness for today’s technology.
When I interviewed for my part time job I was very up front with what it going on in my life and they were very open to being flexible as I just do project work rather than their day to day operations.
Thanks for your reply, you’re always very gracious in your responses (even to the jerks lol). Good luck with everything 🙂
Correction–It is ginsue above who made the reference to Hope’s dad.
Hope, you just wrote recently that your house was in chaos. Now you state that you “thrive in chaos.” Maybe you do, but how about your children? As an elementary schoolteacher, I see what home chaos does in the lives of children, and it is not a good thing. Yes, they can even be loved, but a disorganized, chaotic home has such an effect on children in regard to learning, focus, arriving at school on time, and their own personal organization. I try very hard to teach organizational life skills in my classroom. I am not a type A person, but I believe it is fundamental that children keep their desk and their papers and assignments in order. They are taught to clean up after themselves. After a while, I see that most of them are thriving in an orderly environment.
Financial Fan,
I can certainly attest to this! However, when you are moving and downsizing, “order in the chaos” is the game of the day. We have a plan, everyone has their part. So while there may be boxes to be packed in most rooms, bags full of stuff for donation crowding the kitchen and stuff out to be sorted and decided upon, there is order here.
The kids activities are still scheduled and attended. We all have shared calendars so we know where each of it and what each of us has going on. And what everyone’s “to do” list looks like. The school shelves will be the last to come down as we probably take the week of the move off of school. And the living room…well, it’s as it’s always been aside from the already sold furniture.
Perhaps me thriving is chaos wasn’t the way to put it…I thrive with busyness. And yes, we are busy. But we still have time for family games of basketball, family dinner, an afternoon at the playground, etc. and the new children, well, they are treated like family so what we do, they do.
My kids have always been responsible for their own laundry, their own room, cooking dinner for the family once per week, and different daily chores. Now that everything is coming out of the cabinets and closets it makes it a bit more “messy” but there is a reason for the mess and we are slowly seeing that make create order, a more minimalist order, but order.
Hope,
I personally think that what you have chosen to do is a perfect compromise between your true heart’s desire and your financial goals. Eleven days in the grand scheme of things is minimal, but the potential to make a difference in a child’s life is huge. You have received some flax and have addressed this graciously. You have such a sweet, giving heart. I believe the blessing you receive from this will Moe than outweigh the “cost”.
I truly don’t see any problems with your choice to help a family in need. The positive ripple effects of your actions will go out for years. And, I really don’t see the difference in terms of time or money compared to having regular playdates. We often fed whomever was in the house and took neighbors kids with us on outings (made the day more fun for everyone).
I am wondering about seat work for homeschool during this transition. As you know, but others might not, homeschool students can accomplish more in a shorter time due to lack of distractions, no busy work, etc. Are you all delaying the start of any part of homeschool for now? The kids have so much they can learn from actively participating in this move. Organization and planning are key skills that are too often lacking in teens. And, I know you can easily make up the time down the road.