by Ashley
Do you remember several months ago when I mentioned that one of my good friends got engaged? At the time, I was mentioning it in reference to how expensive it would be if I were asked to be a bridesmaid. Let’s revisit this topic now that some time has passed…
My friend Mary* (*not her real name) has decided to go a bit of a nontraditional route with her wedding. Her idea was to do something small and low-key – the goal was for it to be in-between eloping and an “actual” (traditional) wedding. They’re getting married at the justice of the peace downtown, and have rented out a brewery for a small 2-hour reception afterward. There’s no bridal party (bridesmaids and groomsmen), no bridal shower, no bachelorette party, none of the crazy shenanigans that often precede a wedding.
In lieu of all that stuff, the couple has let it be known that they much prefer to be gifted with money rather than any physical goods. They have all the basic necessities most new couples are gifted and would far prefer cold hard cash. They have not registered anywhere at all.
Soooooo, what to do?
Physical gifts can generally be bought at a discount either at bargains stores, using coupons, etc. Not so much with cash gifts.
My initial thought was that I want to be generous with this friend. She has always been generous with me and I want to return the favor during this important time of her life. If I weren’t focused on debt reduction, I would want to add up all the costs that I would have spent if I were a bridesmaid (the dress, the shoes, the bachelorette party, the bridal party, the wedding gift), and simply give her a check for that amount. That would likely be in the range of a few hundred dollars.
Welllllll, you all know my finances. We do not have an extra few hundred dollars in our tight monthly budget. Since I’ve started this debt-repayment journey I’ve tried to keep gift costs in the range of $10-$15 (for birthdays, baby showers, etc.), but I certainly want to give my friend more than that!
To compromise between these two extremes (giving only $10 versus giving several hundred), I feel like a gift in the range of $100-$150 would be appropriate. But even that amount of money is so much right now! Particularly with our lower income last month (and this month is turning into a bit of a nail-biter in terms of income, too. Though – update – one of hubs’ jobs was finally able to be completed late Saturday evening (you work when you gotta work!) and payment was collected! Sigh! Still 2 other jobs sitting in waiting-land-limbo, though).
What would you do? How much would you give to a good friend for her wedding? Would you honor the couples’ wishes of giving cash or would you go your own route and get a gift anyway?
Hi, I’m Ashley! Arizonan on paper, Texan at heart. Lover of running, blogging, and all things cheeeeese. Freshly 40, married mother of two, working in academia. Trying to finally (finally!) pay off that ridiculous 6-digit student loan debt!
If she is a really, I mean really good friend I would find the money in the $100.00 range. I would
evan take it out of my debt repayment fund but only if this is the one time I did this and not
do it every month. Cheryl
Agreed. Based on your income, I’d probably just give her the $150. Assuming this is a dear friend and a one-time thing. (I am very fiscally conservative, BUT, I do not think that a nice gift is out of line. Don’t go into debt over it, and don’t make a habit of giving $150 wedding gifts). It’s either that, or get super creative. But since you have 100 things on your plate, I’d lean towards the cash. (If you had a $30k income, I’d tell you to get creative). P.S. How awesome that they are going small!
Agreed.
I second what Cheryl says..but only if it was like a sister type of good friend. Otherwise, I would get a gift anyway. It wouldn’t be the typical household stuff since they don’t need that stuff and I wouldn’t want to get them stuff they don’t need.
But something else that I think they’d appreciate…they prefer cash but you can’t really force folks to get a specific gift.
How about $100 and then take a bunch of photos at their wedding and make a photo book…..you can usually make a thoughtful and sweet photo book at Snapfish or Shutterfly for under $20. My other go-to wedding gift item is a nice picture frame – new couples usually need picture frames for their wedding photos.
Oh, I love the photo book idea!! I don’t think they’re hiring a professional photographer and although I am far from gifted in that area, I think this would be a great gift!
I don’t think any bride would scoff at $100. I don’t see any reason to go above this. If you want to save a few dollars, you can look at sites like giftcardrescue.com and cardpool.com to get them a discounted gift card. It would save you $10, depending on which card you ordered. I order these for normal expenses as well…
I know most debt blog commenters will say keep gifts reasonable, especially if you are deep in debt. I understand this point of view but I also believe that you will never in your life regret being a generous, cheerful giver.
I would probably give something in the $50-100 range. I highly doubt they’ll turn their noses up at any amount of money!
Or, possibly a practical gift card? Maybe a local restaurant for their first date night as husband and wife? Or even just a grocery store card for them to stock their kitchen with? Personally, I love practical gift cards!
If you want to give an actual gift with money/gift cards, maybe gift them some family recipes and a grocery gift card to get all the ingredients? That might be something they’d appreciated.
Side note: does your husband have a lot of receivables in his business? He may look into working with a receivables management company – these guys pay you up front based on your accounts receivable amount and then collect the payment when it comes. Google: factoring receivables. This is a good option if there is a large amount of outstanding receivables he wants to cash in all at once, but maybe not the best option for day to day management.
Of course this can be expensive as they take a cut. But it might be worth talking to his banker about any options they have for smoothing out the income. Of course there are lines of credit and other products that can accomplish this…or he could do something like offer a 1-2% discount for paying within 7 days, or add 1% for every 30 days the account is due.
may not even be relevant to his business…just thought i’d mention
My husband & I eloped to Las Vegas back in April (2nd marriage for both of us) and decided to have a picnic on the original wedding day (Labor Day weekend) with immediate family & close friends – about 40 people total. We told them that it was just a picnic and their presence was what would mean the most to us. HOWEVER, some people did bring gifts – mostly giftcards. We got a couple to Home Depot, and several for local restaurants, because, like your friend, we already had all of the material things we need and more! We didn’t register anywhere, either. If you want to do a gift card for them (although the photo book is a great idea – we did hire a photographer, young girl I know who’s going through photography school so it was cheaper), I think there are websites where people re-sell gift cards. OR, we also had a friend do centerpieces for the tables – nothing fancy – and that was her gift to us. A non-traditional wedding begets a non-traditional gift. 🙂
Am I the only one that thinks $20 would be fine? You were talking about how much of a hardship being a bridesmaid would be and now you are thinking about just giving her the amount you would have spent? Maybe you can give her services along with a little cash, like mowing their lawn, watching their dogs when they are out of town, the photo book is great because you can get coupon codes. I would not compromise your debt journey because your friend asked for cash. Every wedding I have gone to in the past few years has seemed to ask for cash. I think it is the ‘new’ thing. I will sometimes still give a gift, or give the amount I would have spent on gift (my wedding budget is $20-50). Do not eat top ramen for a month because you gave her most of your grocery budget.
You are not the only one who thinks $100 is inappropriate given debt levels. Give what you can afford not what you think you should give because of how much of a friend she is. Hopefully she values your friendship and not how much you can spend.
I meant to add, talk to her about how you can help with the wedding. Tell her you are on an extremely tight budget now and want to do something meaningful and helpful that will fit in your budget. Offering to take pictures as though you were the photographer and then letting her pick the photos to go in an album would make a perfect gift without any added money. I know you struggle with letting people know your debt situation but if she truly is a friend she will be happy you were honest with you.
$20 is too little. The bride and groom are shelling out more than that per person to invite you to their reception. $100 is reasonable. I really don’t like giving cash, and the wedding gifts I loved the most were things for my kitchen – serving bowls, nice cutting boards, etc. I think of the people who gave us those gifts every time I use them, which is daily. And, it makes me smile. Are you sure getting a non-cash gift is out of the question?
In terms of etiquette, you have a year to give a wedding gift. If she is like a sister, meaning she will be in your life forever, you can be generous. When I say generous, perhaps $50 or $100. Perhaps, you can put aside $5 or $10 a month for ten months. I suggest you wait and allow more time to decide. I like the idea of a photo book and a beautiful note.
I love this idea!
Actually, that isn’t true. The gift is supposed to be received before or at the wedding reception.
This is such a dilemma. We are also up to our necks trying to get debt paid off and I am facing the same problem. I was invited to a Bridal Shower for this bride and inside the invitation was a little note saying the couple had everything they need for their home (they have lived together for about 3 years now), so here is a website, www.honeyfun.com and please everyone give money toward their honeymoon!!!!!
I am sure I will be showing my age, but this is so NOT DONE. I cannot stand these demands for money. I don’t have a problem with bridal registries since that at least gives people a hint about the couple’s tastes, but these “give us money” demands are just awful.
And of course, now the wedding is coming up, but thank goodness someone must have told the bride to register at least somewhere and there is a comforter set I can get them at Target. It costs $100.00 but I have a gift card in that amount plus I also have a “save 20%” coupon, so that is what we will do for their wedding gift.
All of this to say …. I think maybe $50 for your friend, and then take lots of photos and make her a little photo book. Everyone does everything online now but photo albums/books are just so nice. No computer needed!
Me, too, I HATE the ask for money. There was a discussion about this over on Getting Rich Slowly, and some pointed out that it depends on culture. I know in some Asian cultures that giving money is normal, but even though I knew this I still gave my Chinese American friend an non-cash gift for her wedding. I blame it on my New England WASP upbringing 😉
If my boyfriend and I get married odds are our registry will be very small. We’re both in our 40s so we don’t need much. I was thinking instead of registering for a bunch of things we don’t need we could suggest a donation to Habitat for Humanity or something similar. Granted, technically that’s still “wrong” because ultimately it’s up to the gift giver to decide on what to give, but I really can’t justify asking for household items we don’t need. The only thing I can think of that would be nice is a new flatware set and matching towels, and that isn’t enough to fill a registry for even a small wedding.
I agree that for a good friend $100 cash is completely acceptable.
Does your friend have pets that will need to be watched over a honeymoon? If so, offering to take their pets would be a HUGE gift to them.
I’m inclined to say $75 would be a very generous gift from a friend, but gift giving tends to range more in the $25-$50 range in my part of the country.
whoops, in my post above, it is www.honeyfund.com not “honeyfun”.
I’ve seen this before and think its a great idea. I actually suggested it to my friend (instead of literally asking for straight cash), and she rejected the idea. They’d already booked and paid for their honeymoon and I guess she just didn’t want to deal with it.
I think it is important to look back at your own wedding and the birth of your girls and remember how many family and friends gave generous gifts to you at those important life events. I am sure a few of them gave lovingly even though they may have been paying down their own debt or saving for their retirement or their children’s education. To be on the other side of those life events and say now that you can’t give an appropriate gift is a little selfish. I am not suggesting you give down to your last dollar or give the biggest gift she receives. But a wedding is (ideally) a once in a lifetime occasion and I would lovingly give an appropriate gift, which you deem to be in the $100- $150 range. If you can’t manage the funds this month then give at the nearest opportunity.
Agreed.
Give what you can afford to give – if that means $20 or $100. The only people at my reception that gave over $100 were my parents, my in-laws and two other family members – I never expected anyone to spend money on us, it was just a bonus to receive gifts (I had a non-traditional wedding, my husband and I eloped and we had a small home-brewed reception). I don’t think giving or spending hundreds of dollars more than you can afford is necessary. Also, don’t be so hard on yourself, your friend will appreciate anything you give her.
I really hate cash giving. It’s uncomfortable for a reason – there is no opportunity for the giver to show their love and care, only to show how much money they have. Forget it! It’s so gauche, don’t fall for it. Just give them a gift that you think they would love, and make sure that it is thoughtful and on point for your relationship with both of them. They will love it and not care whether you spent $40 or $200. Plus, after this wedding is over and they have a nice stash of cash, do you really think they’ll remember how much each person gave? Or if they even gave at all? You will be one of the few people that they have a memento for remembering your good wishes.
In the NYC area, everything around here is very expensive (limos, halls, flowers, photographers…) even for a “small” wedding and the bride and groom are usually paying at least $150 a head to have you be their guest on their special day. We also don’t really do physical gifts – just cash. So I always feel like I need to “gift” $300 just to “cover my plate”, and I worry that amount is just not enough for the larger halls and events.
I agree with Cheryl & Alexandria – this is a one-time event for your friend. See if you can come up with the appropriate amount to gift them. (and be glad you don’t live in NYC!) : )
Did she attend your wedding? If so, how much did she give you? You mentioned that she has always been generous with you in the past… I think you can take a cue from there.
True. She actually didn’t come to my wedding. Husband and I wed in 2010, only about 3 months after I met my friend. We weren’t yet close enough at that time to justify an invite, particularly since we were married back in Texas and she lives in Arizona. But, she’s been particularly generous in relation to when my babies were born (in 2012) – hosted a baby shower, showered me with gifts (both at the shower and after babies were born), and when I was home-bound immediately after the girls’ birth she’d come over at least once a week with food, and still gives the occasional gift to the girls (always randomly – not for any particular occasion). I find this to be quite generous.
This is very generous she gave time and energy as well. She is a definite keeper. Yea so…I’d figure out a way to give a nice gift. You don’t have to go over the top because there is a chance in the future that she will have kids and then you will be just as generous with your time but a nice gift that supports the depth of your relationship.
I think because this is a very good friend who has been generous to you in the past, and it’s a one-time sort of gift (rather than a birthday or anniversary) I would be inclined to give $100-150, despite your debt (even if you have to take it out of your debt payment for the month). I think your laser focus on getting the debt repaid is awesome, but the feeling you’ll have if you don’t give your friend what you think is appropriate won’t be worth putting that extra $100 toward debt. Be generous, and I really don’t think you’ll regret it!!
Totally agree! It sounds like you would feel very sad and maybe guilty if you gave what you consider to be a puny gift. There is a psychological side to this. For me, it’s important to give a gift I feel proud of and does honor and justice to the importance of the friendship, so if that’s $100 or $125 I think that’s great! If I gave a gift to a close friend I felt kind of embarrassed about, no matter how much I tried to talk myself out of it, it would bother me FOREVER, and that’s just not worth it in my opinion!
If she is a good friend and has requested cash then I would give her the money. Knowing that she is going for a non traditional casual wedding anywhere between $30-$50 is plenty. I asked for no cash or gifts at my wedding because it was simple and nice and I think getting gifts and cash for a wedding is pretty ridiculous. Still some people wanted to give us gifts/cash. Unless you are her parents, I think anything over $50 is too much. If you really want to spend $150, I would give her $50 and open a 529 college account for your daughters and put $50 in each of them. That is what I would do personally.
If you want to go with a physical gift rather than cash, and your friends have all the household stuff they need, how about giving them a consumable gift? Something like some fancy salt, tea, honeys, spice blends, or chocolates or some other gourmet food or ingredient, preferable non perishable if they are going on a honeymoon.
Then you can look for these items cheaply, and still give them a nice gift. You could also add a small item in with the consumable to make it little more long lasting without making it the focus of the gift. For example, a nice grinder with the salt/spices, or a honey dipper with some fancy honey and teas.
I like this idea. I usually get my Dad and stepmom, who have everything, consumables.
I also like the gift card idea, especially if it’s for a date night. You’re not giving them physical clutter, but you’re giving them an experience.
How about this? You could put together a gift basket of wine and chocolates that they could use for an at home gift night!
I really like this idea. Our standard gift for weddings is a bottle (or several, depending on price) of wine – assuming we know they drink and enjoy wine. Another gift, for a couple that enjoys baking and bbq, was appropriately composed spice sets. This way you can still give a gift, non-cash if that weirds you out, but feel fairly confident that it will be used, appreciated, and not become clutter that they have to get rid of the next time they move!
As for amount to spend, cash gift or otherwise, I think $100 – $150 is totally appropriate. She has been a close friend and I think it would make YOU feel good to give that much. However, if that’s not in the cards due to budget constraints, don’t sweat it. I did register so I theoretically knew how much each person spent, if they bought off the registry – and I couldn’t have cared less. I was just so happy that they were happy for me and made the effort to attend. I remember one gift in particular – it was a memory-foam bath mat that, while expensive for a bath mat, was a relatively inexpensive gift. I was just as excited receiving that gift as I was to get my fancy cookware. Both are used and loved every day and both remind me of my dear friends.
Great idea!
Go with your gut. If she has been generous with you in the past she must think a lot of you, do the same for her. I think it would be worth being in debt a little longer if it means that you do right by your friend. It is not her fault that you have this debt, it would be different if you couldn’t afford it because you couldn’t buy groceries. But since such a large chunk is going to debt repayment I think a person trumps bills. People first, then money.
We are in the midst of serious debt repayment. We don’t do expensive gifts for people. Several people I know have had babies lately and I give them a board book that was one of my daughter’s favorites. Soon after we got married, I bought a book called Days To Remember A Journal of LIfetime Events.
It is a perpetual calendar. I have been writing stuff in it for 16 yrs now. So funny to go back and look at things we have done, our little family of 4. I would buy the book and give her $20 and write her a heartfelt note about how much her friendship means to you. It really is about the thought, not how much money.
http://www.amazon.com/Days-Remember-Journal-Lifetime-Events/dp/0681377453/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1412134443&sr=8-3&keywords=days+to+remember+journal
The first year we were married, I also had a sweet friend get married. We were broke, but we gave them $150 because they were going off to do volunteer work overseas, we believed in them, and they are a special couple.
Sometimes it’s worth the extra money for special instances. 🙂