by Ashley
Can we talk about something a little more…errr, personal today???
If you’re a newer reader, my husband (32 yrs.) and I (31 yrs.) have twin 2.5 year old daughters. We love them oh so much and our roles as parents. Buuuuut, we don’t want to do it over again.
This is something that we’ve thought a LOT about in the past few years. From the beginning husband has always been fairly certain he does not want more children. I waivered a bit more. When the girls were infants I was firmly in the NO MORE KIDS camp. Then around their first birthday I thought….maybe we might try again at some point? Not soon, but someday? I love the idea of having a little boy. And what great helpers would two older sisters be?
Then the romance of those daydreams wore off. In the past year I’ve sold off and/or given away ALL of our baby stuff. The older the girls get the more I think I NEVER want to do the baby stage again. Over Christmas we held friends’ newborns and ooh’d and aww’d over them. When asked if we wanted another of our own I instantly (maybe a little too sharply) replied, “ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!”
The truth is I really don’t want to do it again. I like the idea of having a boy, but (1) you don’t just get to choose the gender, and (2) I like the idea….but I don’t think I’d like the reality.
I just can’t do it again. The sleepless nights, the endless diapers, the spit up, the breastfeeding woes (I was committed to breastfeeding and did so for 6 months but it was a struggle every single day). Not to mention I had a very difficult pregnancy and came down with HELLP syndrome toward the end. I ended up delivering the twins via emergency c-section when my blood count numbers were plummeting and the doctors were afraid they might lose me. It was traumatic to say the least.
Here’s a snippet I’ve copy/pasted from my personal blog about the experience:
Nurse: *walks into room* – Where’s hubby?
Me: He went to go get some lunch
Nurse: At the cafeteria?
Me: No…..at a fast food place.
Nurse: Will he be back soon?
Me: He should be……why???
Nurse: *nervous giggle* (there’s a pause as she turns away from me, busying herself with something; after a couple minutes she turns, sits on the side of the bed and says): Well…..remember how I drew that blood from you this morning? It turns out that some of your levels are extremely abnormal. In fact, they’re so abnormal that I’ve talked to the attending OB, and she wants to go ahead and deliver your babies today.
The rest was a bit of a blur.
I never want to do it again. Never. Ever. Ever.
So all that being said, I am currently on oral contraceptives. However, I do NOT want to be on birth control the rest of my child-bearing years. I really don’t like introducing hormones into my body at all but I haven’t wanted to risk a pregnancy so I’ve resigned myself to this as a solution for the time being. I’ve played around with various types of birth control options over the years and I really just don’t like any of them. None of them are great long-term options for me.
Know what is???
Chop, chop honey!!! (tee hee)
Yes. A vasectomy.
If I’d known that we were for sure done with children earlier, I would have just requested getting my tubes tied when I was already in for C-section surgery. I wasn’t sure at that time. I am now.
Husband obviously isn’t crazy about the idea of the old snip-snip, but he also knows he doesn’t want more kids.
Plus, many insurance companies pay huge portions of the vasectomy surgery now (many pay the full thing, minus a copay). Alternatively, the cost of a child from birth to 18 is nearly a quarter of a million dollars (according to CNN money)
I’d love to get your opinions on this. Please, please keep your opinions to more financially-based (rather than religiously-based). I’d also love to hear if you have any personal experiences. I have one girlfriend whose husband had a vasectomy after their third child (7 years ago) and now she is LONGING for a fourth child. A vasectomy-reversal is much more costly than a vasectomy and it is more invasive, difficult to recover from, and is not always a guarantee of success. She regrets the vasectomy and has urged me to wait longer until making a final decision. When is the right time for this type of decision (especially since I’ve wavered in the past…I’m firmly in the NO MORE BABIES camp right now, but could I change my mind again in another year???)
Thoughts??? Opinions? Personal experiences??
Hi, I’m Ashley! Arizonan on paper, Texan at heart. Lover of running, blogging, and all things cheeeeese. Freshly 40, married mother of two, working in academia. Trying to finally (finally!) pay off that ridiculous 6-digit student loan debt!
IT’s funny because my husband wanted kids SO much but he did the big V probably like immediately after our second child was born. I personally couldn’t have made that decisions so young (we were like 27?) But, I figured I could always have another baby if I wanted. There would be ways. It just wouldn’t be 100% biologically our child. (A lot of it for me was also what if something happened to my husband or I remarried later in life – overall I was just not ready for something so permanent in my 20s).
Right now I am 38 and I would absolutely get my tubes tied. I know many women have children much older in this day and age but I feel like I’ve just past the point where I could safely and happily bear a child. It was doable in my 20s but would I really want to do all those sleepless nights again in my 40s? UGH!
I think a lot of it was after years of birth control and bearing two babies I told my husband I think I did my part. IT took me a while to talk him into it. The thing was my dad had a vasectomy but his had not. His fear of having more kids was eventually enough to sway him.
As an aside, we chose the big V because it is the most effective form of birth control aside from abstinence. You would not believe how many people have tried to tell me over the years that it is not and “just you wait”. & how their aunts and friends all had unplanned pregnancies and yadda yadda. Look, I know it’s not 100% as no birth control aside from abstinence is 100%. But in the studies, when they included paternity testing, it has been proven to be extremely effective. 😉
When me and my ex were together he got snipped–his choice. He was around 35 when he got it done. We were also starting to divorce. He doesn’t seem to regret it at all. I was kind of surprised he did it–we had never discussed it. So this came as a surprise to me. Just make sure this is really what you want. If it is go for it.
I’m glad I never got my tubes tied or anything. I had thought about it. My current husband and I would love to have a baby together. We’ve been trying for 5 years but I never have got pregnant easy. If it’s meant to be it’ll happen. If it doesn’t happen we can live with that too.
Oh he never had any problems and was back to work in 2 days since he had a physical job. He went in on a Friday and back to work on Monday.
I actually KNEW when I found out I was pregnant with my youngest (Little Gymnast) that I did not want any more pregnancies. More children…definitely, but no more pregnancies, infants. Love my two tummy kids but…
So actually on the very first OB/GYN visit, I ask if she could tie my tubes when he was born (it was known from the beginning that he would be a scheduled C-section due to complications during Princess birth.) I stayed steadfast throughout the pregnancy and she didn’t bat an eye to do it at his delivery. It was no big deal at all and I had no complications nor were my monthlies worse, etc.
Now, regrets? My ex-husband regrets it, he will make comments about having wanted more kids, not that he can’t have them with someone else. I will admit I get twinges at times, but in hindsight I wouldn’t change a thing. I just knew and am perfectly content with adopting older kids from the foster care system to fill the “holes” in my heart for more children.
Just my two cents…
I think if you are both certain that your family is complete, go for the vasectomy. I had my only child at age 32. I had an uneventful (and planned) pregnancy and a healthy baby, however, I went through three years of postpartum depression. I just knew I could not go through that again.
Make your decision based on your own experience! You had a traumatic delivery and no one else can know how that felt. I am at peace with having one child in spite of the people that tell me how unfair it is to my daughter.
I had HELLP syndrome as well with my daughter (first and only) and the story of her delivery day is not much different than yours. After my daughter’s first birthday I began having horrible nightmares and stress headaches because I was worried about getting pregnant again. I had a procedure performed that blocked my tubes. Not 100% effective but it was with the understanding that should we want to get pregnant in the future, it would basically be on our terms because we would have to go through fertility treatments and use an implantation method. Sometimes do I still want to have a baby so that my daughter is not an only child yes. But my body cannot take another pregnancy. So I had a procedure done. Again, this still leaves the possibility of a planned pregnancy possible. Do I wish I would have waited? No. But I still have a few feelings of regret and the ever present What Ifs. Not that will help you make your decision but another option.
I’ve never met anyone else before whose had HELLP! A scary syndrome, for sure! Glad you ended up being okay!
In some ways scary, but in some ways not. I didn’t know what it was and never heard of it. I think had I know my blood pressure would have been even higher because I would have researched it like crazy.
I still have lingering effects. But all is well. Feel free to e-mail me if you ever have questions.
I actually left higher education to work for a private company a couple of years ago.
So we have a lot in common. 😉
Wow, we sure do!! You don’t happen to live in Arizona, do you? It’d be fun to be real-life friends! : )
You’ll be jealous. I actually live in Texas. And that doesn’t stop of from being friends. I think you have the ability to see my e-mail but feel free to contact me for more personal information and specifics. I still have connections in higher ed as well.
Great topic! Long time reader but popped in to comment on this one. I think a vasectomy is a great idea; I’ve always liked the idea of my future husband getting one. That being said, I’m unique in that I’m 25, never had children, and never want to. This year was the first that I discussed getting my tubes tied with my doctor. I was expecting a lot of hassle given my age, but all I have to do is sign a consent form and wait 30 days. My insurance completely covers it! I’m seriously considering it because I’m 100% dedicated to living a childfree lifestyle and absolutely love the thought of locking everything down–for free!
Any other childfree by choice folks here who got sterilized before 30? I’d love to hear anyone’s personal experiences!
My husband and I don’t want children so a few months after we were married, my husband went in for a vasectomy (he was 26 at the time). We both figured that since it is a day surgery and there was little recovery time, him having the procedure would be best. It was about a 15 minute procedure and our insurance covered it 100% (strange because they didn’t cover my birth control at all). That was almost 4 years ago and there are no regrets from either of us.
Wow, laws must have come a long way! I had a male friend (maybe 10 years ago??) who wanted a vasectomy at the age of 28, but was told it wasn’t even possible until he either (1) had a child, or (2) reached age 30. Now that I say that, I’m not sure if it was a state law thing or just a doctor’s discretion thing. But that’s cool that you are able to make that choice at 25 without a ton of red tape and hassle!
Well, it wasn’t an easy in. My husband did receive some “are you sures” but was ultimately able to plead his case. The physician who performed the procedure was informed that my husband and I both have the same heart condition (misplaced coronary artery) which I have had 2 surgeries to correct and my husband has had 1. I was told from an early age that having children would not be in my best interest. . . so that helped.
My husband had a vasectomy after our younger daughter was born, 9 years ago. We got the same questions about trying again for a boy, but having a boy simply wasn’t that important to us. Two just seemed like the right number for us, regardless of gender. The vasectomy was totally covered by insurance then because we were on a copay plan, but now I’m not sure how the finances would work out because we’re on a deductible plan these days. I’m 100% happy with the decision. Last year, though, my periods were so, so heavy and I talked to the doctor about them. He recommended the Mirena IUD to make my periods lighter. I went ahead with it, and so far I love it. No periods! You might check on that as a less permanent option if you’re not 100% sure.
I’ve looked into e.v.e.r.y birth control option, including IUDs, the arm implant, the ring, the patch, shots, different types of pills, etc. etc. etc. I even had an appointment to get implanon at one point and ended up calling to cancel because I watched youtube videos of the procedure and freaked myself out. I really just don’t like any of them.
Have you thought about an IUD. It is good for 5 years. Still gives you an option to change your mind. Obamacare rules requires that the entire IUD be covered. You are in and out of the office in an hour. I had to adjust to mine. But it took away my heavy periods and my cramps aren’t as bad.
All my friends who did a vasectomy in their 30s would go back and change it. IUD is fairly quick and has a better success in the near term. Two of my friends got them pregnant before the vasectomy was completely successful.
It is what I have chosen to do. We are done. But I haven’t made that decision irreversible.
I agree. I have had absolutely no problems with mine. Great for my fiancé and I as we know we don’t want kids, but also don’t want to commit to something permanent (just in case). And yes, Obamacare covered my appointment 100% which would have cost me $1,100 out of pocket. All around it was a really great decision. Would highly recommend it!
I’m jumping on the IUD bandwagon. If they are an option for you, I would HIGHLY recommend them. I am on my second Mirena. (I’m 31 and have had an IUD for 8 years total.I did DEPO shots for years before that.) I don’t have periods anymore (maybe a tiny bit of cramping once in awhile.) But having one has been the best health decision I’ve ever made (ok, in addition to LASIK!)
This is a general response to the IUD suggestion (not to any person specifically). I know the “pros” of the IUD (it’s actually what my OBGYN recommended, too), but I just don’t feel comfortable having something semi-permanently in my body like that. I have a friend in medicine who researches the impact of chronic inflammation on the body; he’s gone on and on about how bad inflammation can be, even if it is minor inflammation. This is still a new area of study and has never been linked to IUDs specifically (and I’m glad they seem to work so well for so many!!!), but it makes me nervous and suspicious of the impact they could have on my body. Note, I am ALSO nervous and suspicious of the impact that I’ve been making by introducing hormones (through oral contraceptives) into my body long-term. So I’m not saying my way is “better” because I don’t like my way either. I want NO birth control. Or….I guess I should say I want male birth control via vasectomy, lol.
If your husband is really freaked out about it, you might check with your OB/GYN about alternative procedures to having your tubes tied. I believe my dr has a procedure available where it’s done right in the office. While I didn’t want any kids, I could never bring myself to have it done so I didn’t really pay that much attention. The fact that you could get it done in the office was what stuck in my head.
I’ll have to look into that! I always thought any permanent options with women were much more invasive (major surgery), but if its an in-patient procedure then there must be some options available that are not as invasive as I’d thought. Medicine sure is coming a long way!
We have five children…(yes, I was young and dumb) anyways, my husband finally did the vasectomy a few years back. And, he has problems every since.
Oh no!!! Like, pain-related? You don’t have to give any more information than you feel comfortable with, but if you’re willing I’d like to hear more! Scary!
I can’t predict but I don’t think you’ll change your mind. I was 33 when I delivered my son; we were extremely fit, super healthy and had a very mentally/physically disabled baby (but very beautiful by anyone’s standards) so I had my hands full immediately. Since they didn’t know what caused it, I was hesitant to have more children. When he was 18 months I had my tubes tied (not cut but just a ring put around them so it’s technically reversible) and that worked out fine. I never regretted it. I LOVED children but because we didn’t know what caused it I didn’t want to gamble and have two kids that had medical issues. I would find out years later that it was a rare genetic fluke and that neither of us had the gene so yes, technically, the next one might have been just fine. I certainly love children but honestly, it was and still is such hard work that I don’t think I could have had more.
The bottom line is that while each person’s decision is unique, I made the decision at 35 and never regretted it. I think it was the best decision at the time and still do. My son’s an adult now but I am still changing diapers, have to feed him, etc. so I am still doing all of those same tasks only with an adult:) I love him dearly though and he’ll live at home forever. I might suggest looking into getting your tubes tied-it is reversible depending on the type you get. Good luck.
Thanks for the tip! I really think I need to look more into some of the more “permanent” (even if reversible) options for women! Some others have said they can be done as inpatient procedures, too!
My husband put it on the to-do list the summer our kids were 6 and 2. While I wouldn’t characterize pregnancy as easy, mine were unremarkable as far as my physician and insurance were concerned. We don’t live near family, and maybe that plays into it, but I think we both recognized that we didn’t want to do it all again. I think we also were aware of the costs in dollars, but I don’t think that was the big issue. I think people know when their family feels complete. We haven’t ever regretted the vasectomy. Given the family unfriendly policies of the US – it might be tough for you to have another pregnancy while starting up at a university job.
That’s definitely come to mind, too. I think IF I were to get a job it might actually be easier this time around (most universities offer at least some paid maternity leave), but IF I were to do the whole pregnancy thing again (still against it, but just playing the “what if” game), I’d want to do it relatively soon – in the next 2-3 years. But how awful would it be to FINALLY get the “real job” I’ve been working toward, and then end up getting pregnant mere months into employment? The timing would just be “off.” And I’m not getting any younger! I’ve always said that there’s a REASON why young people have babies. Hats off to all the moms having kids in their late 30’s, but I know I would simply lack the energy to do all the sleepless nights and running around required by caring for infants and toddlers.
Ick! Just thinking about it has reaffirmed (again) that I really just don’t want to do it again. Not now, not at 35, not at 38 or 40, not ever. lol
I have no advice to offer on the whole vasectomy issue, but your thought on the idea of getting pregnant just after getting the “real job” made me pause. I just finished reading Lean In, and Sheryl Sandberg actually addresses this exact concern (which is a concern of mine right now for sure). Her thought is that while women tend to “off-ramp” just before and during pregnancy, they should actually be ramping up in an effort to be in the best place possible when maternity leave starts. This would result in having a better position to return to (if so chosen) after maternity leave, however long it might be. Her whole take on it is fascinating and worth considering. Anyway, thought I’d pass that along. Good luck with the decision and also with the interview next week!!
Ugh! I’ve actually read the book and found it rather depressing (as opposed to motivating). I actually wrote about it a bit here: https://www.bloggingawaydebt.com/2014/09/balance/
Whoops! I do remember reading that post now that I look back at it. I actually told my husband that the book was somehow simultaneously motivating and very discouraging. We haven’t even started trying for kids yet, but I’m still letting it influence me when I think about making a career move (which I need to do)… so the part I mentioned had obviously caught my attention. I totally agree with not wanting the whole “working from the hospital and/or working during mat leave” though!!
Why don’t you get an IUD? I’ve had the Mirena brand and it’s great.
My husband had one when our youngest was 1 so 19 years ago – like you, there were a couple of “I wish we had more” but those twinges are coming no when my youngest is getting ready to go off on his own and I am having empty nest syndrome. We honestly don’t regret it at all – we were comfortable with 2 kids, could afford 2 kids (most of the time), and since there is a 9 year age difference, got to spend a lot of one-on-one time with them.
Hubby went in, had the procedure which took about 15 minutes, sat on the couch with a packaged of frozen peas in his lap (we didn’t eat them, by the way – one time it was OK to waste food) and was back to work in 2 days.
I say go for the vasectomy and birth control. I had my son in 2010 and was 10000% sure I was done. I asked to get my tubes tied, but the doctors refused since I was under 30 (28 at the time). My husband looked into a vasectomy, but it was considered a “cosmetic” procedure on our policy, so insurance wouldn’t cover it, and doctor wouldn’t perform it without the cost 100% paid up front. We hadn’t been able to swing that yet, so I was on birth control. Super happy with our one and done position. Then….biggest surprise of my life, in October I found out I was expecting #2. Despite being careful, it happens, so birth control isn’t 100%. I’m not unhappy about it, just in shock. 🙂 I had a VERY difficult pregnancy (severe morning sickness, ie HG and emergency c-section at 42.5 weeks), and swore I’d never go through it again. Here I am. So if you’re 100% sure you’re done, definitely get the vasectomy and an IUD!
Congrats on the surprise pregnancy! I always think that if you’re being careful/doing the right things and a pregnancy still occurs then it must be “meant to be.” I hope your pregnancy this time around goes easier on you! I’ve always heard that no two pregnancies are ever the same!
Hubby had a vasectomy after our fourth child. We were young. I was 25 and he was 27. We deliberated about this for a while because we were so young, and we love, love kids. It was a very easy procedure for hubby–just some temporary and slight discomfort afterward. Now, we have three little granddaughters, so we are happily back into little kids again!
Awww, so sweet! THAT’S the way I want to do it! <3 I read a quote recently that said, "If I'd known how great grandkids were I would have skipped the kids and gone straight to grandkids!" haha!
I recommend the IUD too… a (not typical, but you can hope!) side effect for me was no periods! Its great and not a permanent decision.
Another fan of the Mirena. It’s very effective, low maintenance, and I believe it’s a smaller amount of hormones than the pill (since it acts locally in the uterus) but you may want to ask your OB/GYN about that. Best of all, my heavy, crampy periods went away when I was on it. And since this is a personal finance blog, I saved 100 bucks a year not having to buy pads and tampons!
Mirena has a very low amount of hormones (lower than oral contraceptives), but there are also copper IUDs that are completely hormone-free. Even so, I still prefer not to do an IUD. I just replied to a long string of IUD-supporters above going into detail about why it’s just not for me.
We have 16 year old twin boys and a 10 year old daughter (kids came when we were both 29 then 35). Yes, it took about 5+ years before my wife decided that, although the twins were a huge amount of work, she kind of missed out by only going through one pregnancy. It was definitely different the second time around. More…normal? 🙂 I’m definitely not saying this is the way to go. Just wanted to offer our experience.
As far as the vasectomy goes, we’ve had that conversation as well. I’m probably being a bit of a baby about it but just don’t want to “break” myself! I’ll get over it, though…
This is a tough call. Here are some things to think about from the financial perspective (full disclosure, I am expecting #2. If this were a twin pregnancy, we’d be fine with it, but we are happier that it is a singleton).
-Unless you delay for a few more years, you will have 3 in daycare/preschool. Is that a cost you can handle? What about elementary school after school care?
-Can you afford the amount of house that you want? 3 vs. 4 bedrooms? Or are you ok with the girls always sharing a room?
-Are you planning on contributing to college costs? Can you save for 3?
-How would having a third affect your career plans?
-Having a third would obviously affect your debt repayment plans (hey, diapers aren’t cheap!), and are you comfortable with that?
-Would you need a new car for 3 carseats/boosters, and 2 large dogs?
If you’re not 100% right now, I’d look at non-hormonal options (if you want to stop hormonally based ones), and re-consider in a year.
Sooo many good points raised here!
Diapers – yikes! Daycare/preschool – DOUBLE yikes! Colleges/House size – Triple Yikes!!!
I don’t think we’d need a new car (our current one has third row seating, and we only have 1 dog, 10 years old, who won’t be around forever).
But lots of good points from the financial perspective!!!!
Because my mother passed away from ovarian cancer, my gym suggests staying on the pill because it decreases the risk. Just a different perspective.
I’m assuming “gym” was an autocorrect from OBGYN??? Otherwise, it’s kinda a weird place to be getting medical advice (lol, I kid! I kid!!!)
This is true. My MIL and grandmother-in-law both had ovarian cancer and ended up with total hysterectomies and hormone-replacement for decades (my grandma-in-law’s cancer was when she was only 20, both of her kids are adopted. She’s now in her 80s). They swear the hormones have been FABULOUS for them, and they both seem to be doing well. But I’m not personally at risk for ovarian cancer (I even got tested recently – can’t find the link to the post, but I had my genes assessed), and the pill is still so relatively new that we just can’t know the long-term effects of those hormones! This is kind of personal but I’ve been on it since I was 17 (I’m now 31)! I only had about a year break or so – when we were trying to get pregnant, and then during pregnancy. I just don’t like that! It’s too long to be on the pill!!!
Hi Ashley!
Have you considered a natural birth control method? I know that they are traditionally associated with a religious aspect, but I have recently been reading about how the fertility awareness methods are becoming more popular as women decide they are not as comfortable pumping their bodies full of pharmaceuticals. Realizing they are paying extra for hormone-free proteins only to turn around and intentionally ingest hormones daily is silly!
There are several different methods available, some more scientifically based than others. I don’t use the particular method recommended in this article, but I do think the reasons are sound: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-9982/10-reasons-to-try-natural-birth-control.html
My husband and I have used natural birth control (off and on) successfully for almost a decade. I say off and on because we have had two (planned) pregnancies (getting pregnant on the first try both times) and because post-pregnancy your body can be a bit wacky for a while so we would also use alternative methods during those months.
There are a few things that helped me decide this was a good method for me: First, I have always been incredibly regular in my cycle, I don’t think I would be as comfortable with these methods if I were not, but once I learned the basics it is incredibly easy. Second, for me having an OB-GYN who is both supportive of me using a natural method and is familiar with how it works is important; if I have questions or would like a second opinion my doctor is willing to review my calendar and help in any way possible. Third, my husband is on board with us using this, it puts the responsibility on both our shoulders. And fourth, it is easy to use. They even now make apps to help you track!!!! (I use one called Clue, I love it because after a few cycles it gives you averages and expected dates, you can also track things like PMS or mood swings with it so if you are prone to those at the same time in your cycle it will give you a notification!)
Like you, the thought of having something implanted in my body just freaks me out. And, I didn’t necessarily care for how I felt (or gained weight) whenever I was on a pill. This became the best method.
On the topic of having more children or not I would like to share these thoughts: having a single is way easier than having twins. Twins are definitely more than twice as hard. The second time around is also way easier than the first time. You know what you are doing on the second go-round, there is more confidence in your abilities, and you have figured out things that took work the first time. No two pregnancies are alike. I think that what you went through with your twins sounds incredibly scary, but unless after talking with your doctor there is concern that another pregnancy would be equally or more difficult, I hope you won’t let that scare you into making a choice you will regret. (Shortly after my son was born my sister-in-law confided in me that one of the major things that was holding her back in being ready for children was the fear of labor and delivery. Since I had just gone through it I could completely commiserate with that fear, but at the same time I told her that she needed to remember that in the course of life, those moments are such a brief flicker and what you get for those moments is something I would never ever trade. Needless to say, my niece is just about a year younger than my son!)
I told myself when I started this comment that, for once, I was going to keep it short! Oh, well. I suppose there is always next time.
Cheers!
-Meghan
Thanks for the thoughtful comment! I actually have looked into FAM (fertility awareness method), and have read lots of success stories of natural birth control methods but it scares me that we’d mess it up and have a “surprise” baby.
I’ve been told by many twin parents (who had a set of twins first and a singleton later) that the singleton is a total BREEZE in comparison. But even so, the first year is a HUGE hurdle to overcome – round-the-clock feeding, sleepless nights, plus (hopefully) working full time on top of it all.
Maybe this sounds weird or immature, but my only urge to have another kid would be because I’d want to try for a boy. But then if I were to get pregnant with a girl I would feel absolutely AWFUL….like I made a mistake or something. Does that sound selfish? Really what it comes down to is that we do NOT get to pick the gender (I know there are increasing technologies, but even if available I don’t think we’d be into that), and the newborn phase is NOT my thing. I know lots of people who love the newborn phase and have a tougher time with toddlers, but the newborn phase was absolutely brutal for me. I didn’t have any PPD or baby blues or anything so it’s not that, I just really didn’t enjoy it as so many others seem to. I hate for this to come across with me sounding like a terrible person. I LOVE my girls and am so glad I have them!!!! But I really don’t want to go back and start over again with a new baby. I don’t know what else to say. I feel like I’m coming across as an unloving mother, and that’s the furthest thing from the truth!!! But I’m done. I’m just done. : )
I second Meghan’s comment. I’m successfully pregnancy free after nearly five years of NFP. I use the Kindara app to track and it didn’t take me long to get the hang of it. Now that I know my body’s signs and symptoms, it’s pretty obvious when I need to avoid or we need to use a condom.
I’ll have to look into that app. Although (TMI alert): when you’re ovulating I find it to be the HARDEST time to have…errr, discretion and/or take proper precautions? It’s gotta be an evolved characteristics or something to just be like, “screw it!”
Definitely takes discretion or backup protection. Or it depends on how badly you don’t particularly want a bouncing bundle of joy in 9-10 months. 🙂
literally lol-ed at this! So, so true! : )
It is known that women naturally have a ‘change in mood’ around ovulation; and also that they put off chemical signals that make them more appealing to men. I don’t believe in evolution, but believe it is part of God’s brilliant design. 🙂
We have 2 boys – 19 and 16. We were so overwhelmed with two 33 months apart that my husband took care of it when the youngest was six months. We have never, ever regretted it. He was against more kids and I was on the fence. I told him if he didn’t want more, he needed to take care of it as I wasn’t going to be responsible to remember to take a pill every day.
We love our boys but are really looking forward to an empty nest. Just in the past year, I feel like he and I have reconnected after having so many distractions. It is really nice. Oh, we did get a dog 18 months ago…maybe he is our replacement baby.
I’d say go for it if you guys feel you’re done having children:). One time vasectomy cost vs. how many more years of birth control? I agree with not really enjoying taking hormones every day and exposing my body to them. I have gone off the pill before and felt great but getting back on them made me feel yucky again.
Good luck with your decision.
Honestly, a vasectomy doesn’t make having another child impossible–just impossible without medical intervention. Honestly, I think they should be more widespread, because people are just having babies constantly without thinking it through. Making it more difficult to conceive would make people think it through. Sort of like locking up the sweets, so to speak.
You and your husband could always do in vitro or something if you change your minds. But if you don’t change your minds, then pregnancy is very very unlikely, and that’s good.
I do envy men that they get a nice noninvasive procedure while us women have to have invasive abdominal surgery with general anesthesia (risk). I want my tubes tied, personally, but since I’m at no risk of pregnancy now, not mention being pretty darn overweight, now isn’t a good time.
Not to mention, vasectomies are more effective! Gah!
Wait a few years because when it’s all pink fairies, hair brushes and the whole house feels like a Frozen DVD your husband might, just might say actually, I’d really like to play football in the mud with a boy who wears blue and likes Spider-Man….
He might not think it now, because they are really hard work… And even though I’m 40’s, I know my husband feels more complete and we will have no regrets when we are in our 60’s walking the dog together, looking back at life… Good luck with your decision.
I am 100% with you on being totally opposed to hormonal forms of birth control. I don’t care what they say about the pill being good for you – it’s not natural, it’s not the way women were designed to function, and it CANT be good for us.
My vote is let your husband do the birth control, and keep those nasty hormones out of your system!
So not much has been stated about this but I wanted to point out that due to new health care standards, all forms of birth control at least for women. have to be covered at close to 100%. I have 5 children. My oldest 2 daughter are from my first marriage My ex husband decided after number 2 he was done, I knew deep down I was not. He had a vasectomy against my wishes when the youngest was 6 weeks old. Even at that time insurance covered. Fast forward 15 years, I have been blessed with 2 more daughter and a wonderful husband, he was convinced at that point he did not want any more children. My thought was great, I was still unsure so take care of it. I did check and insurance covered by I figured he should do the rest…. Exactly 14 months later my son, fifth child, was born. At that point, I know that I need to take care of things. The doctor who is in practice with my midwife will not perform tubals until the baby is 6 weeks old. So 5 years later I am on birth control because it is easier and allows me not to worry.
I had a horrible experience with an IUD and am currently using Depo for the convenience. I am so glad to read this discussion because the reason for my not making a permanent solution is the recovery period that I can’t afford to miss work.
I think a vasectomy makes lots of sense. I was sure I didn’t want to have more children, even if “something” happened to my 2 healthy kids. I had a vasectomy as it didn’t seem reasonable to make my wife continue on birth control pills, and the complication rate is lower than an IUD.
Have him get the vasectomy the friday of his favorite sporting weekend, and assure him he can sit on the couch all weekend with no obligations. It was really no big deal.
Just make sure he is really on board with no more kids. Reversal is major surgery.