by Hope
Just a quick update on the loss of income in regards to my younger two child support that I wrote about in mid December. At the time, he was going to miss his car payment that is in my name and didn’t know when he’d be able to provide any support for our kids. To be clear as I know this issue is dear to many people’s hearts due to their own history. Let me clarify a few points up front:
1. No, we do not have a formal child support agreement and no, I will not be pursuing one. I chose this for two reasons, one, I wanted full legal and physical custody of the kids. Two, I didn’t ever want money to be a reason for him to bail on them or become just another issue in our already rocky relationship. He has ALWAYS come through when they needed something and has voluntarily paid half of anything I asked, sometimes more. From what I hear from other parents in my situation, the court ordered payments are 1) hard to get and 2) not close to the amount he has voluntarily provided through out the years since we split.
2. The car was purchased in my name for him while we were still living together. He has not been able to refinance it. It IS in our divorce decree that he is solely responsible for the car financially, the debt, the maintenance, the insurance, the taxes, etc. As soon as it is paid for, I will sign it over to him and be done. Only one other time has he had trouble making payments on it, and then I asked for it back, sold my car (my dream car Honda Element that was paid off) and drove it and paid for it. I did not want the car, and when he was able to take it back over, he did so. If I had wanted to keep it, he would not have fought me on it. But it was just too much car for me and the costs to drive it were high. This was also a major bad decision area for me, because instead of buying a reasonable used car, I bought a new sedan (the twins were with us but supposed to be going home at this point.) This is one lesson I have DEFINITIVELY learned now.
So now we are here, 6 weeks after the announcement that I would not have any support going forward while he got his new business off the ground. He did catch up on the car payment, a week late, and I was able to refinance the loan to buy his a 6 week break from payments, get him a lower interest rate and a lower monthly payment. All around a win in both our eyes. The first payment on that loan was due yesterday…and he paid it on time!
So no, child support to date, but his new business is up and running and I know he’s working as hard as he can to catch up. The kids call him regularly to see if he’s going to come see them…he hasn’t. I took them to his new shop once and to hang out for a while with him. (No, I don’t go out of my way to do this, but I had to be that way for the twins and then had a couple of hours to kill before picking them up and it wasn’t worth driving home, so this was a good compromise.)
Every one’s divorce, separation is different. I know mine is unusual but it works for us. And I think for as unhealthy as our marriage was, our divorce is very healthy. I am grateful for the tough love the last year. As a result, I’m in a place that the missing funds don’t hurt so much. I am now NOT dependent on the little kids child support. Now to break that reliance on the twins adoption supplement.
Hope is a creative, solutions-focused business manager helping clients grow their business and work more efficiently by leveraging expertise in project management, digital marketing, & tech solutions. She’s recently become an empty nester as her 5 foster/adoptive kids have spread their wings. She lives with her 3 dogs in a small town in NE Georgia and prefers the mountains to the beaches any day. She struggles with the travel bug and is doing her best to help each of her kids as their finish schooling and become independent (but it’s hard!) She has run her own consulting company for almost twenty years! Hope began sharing her journey with the BAD community in the Spring of 2015 and feels like she has finally in a place to really focus on making wise financial decisions.
Thanks for the update.
Hopefully eventually he’ll be able to contribute again in a more regular manner.
Agreed! When I’m having a bad moment I keep thinking of how much almost two months of children support would help right now. But I’m grateful that for the first time in …I don’t know I am not dependent on him or anyone for my income (obviously my employers but not a person.)
Hi Hope
No one has the right to judge your personal arrangements. My ex husband was and still is an ass. He sees the boys as and when he feels like it (maybe one night every other month if he feels like it). Thankfully he is in the army so child support is paid regularly otherwise they would garnish his wages. He has had four pay rises in the eleven years we have been divorced yet child support has never been raised. In fact he reduced it by £150 a month when he decided to remarry a year after our divorce and it has stayed that rate for the last ten years. Like you I have never asked for more money or nagged for him to see the kids we do not need the stress as on the one occasion in the early days that I did question him he became very nasty. I really don’t have time for that sort of negativity and upset in mine and the boys lives. My friends and family think I’m mad and all moan at me that I am letting him get away with things but as I have said I go out of my way to keep things civil for the boys sakes and something is better than nothing I guess. All you can do is what is right for you and your littlies. Chin up girl you are doing a grand job.
Much Love Claire from frugal living xxx
Thanks, Claire, so you understand completely about the $$ and how that can become a big psychological factor if we let it. I just have too much other stuff to deal with to add that to my headache and stress.
My friends/family thought I was crazy but I think they’ve seen that by making this choice my life over the last 7 years has just been that much easier. Just think how much healthier kids would be if we could all put the kids first and the money second.
No one said it was easy, but being a single, divorced or some other non-traditional family set up is not easy to begin with.
As a current insurance agent I would make sure of your laws in your state. Insurance on a car has to be on the person who the car is titled to or it is considered illegal and they can deny payment if there was a claim..just thought I would throw that out there for you to check on. If he drives it, insures it, and makes the payment but you are the title holder and not him I do believe you have a problem, but maybe every state is different 🙂
Yes, I have definitely checked on that, but thanks for the heads up.
I’m so glad you are no longer dependent on his paying his child support. (Don’t get me started on a rant of how he can pay when it’s convenient for him while you are providing the stable home life for the kids and how that’s not fair – that would be a loooooonnnnnnng rant!)
I just wish you were not entangled in his car loan – that seems like one more thing you have to take care of instead of him being an adult and taking responsibility for it.
But if it’s working for you, then great! I’m just glad you are independent financially from him – that is priceless!
Den,
I totally feel the desire to rant. I have to tamp it down myself now and then. I did get a good giggle to myself yesterday though. I took the littles to see him. They had been asking and he is not able to do anything while he’s trying to start a new business and it was somewhat convenient for me…but anyways…his dad called while I was standing there and I could hear him ask if he was helping take care of the kids and he couldn’t stumble over his words or get out of my earshot quick enough. I have no idea how the rest of the convo went and I am not making fun of him. But it was good to see him squirm when confronted by someone he can’t fudge about how he’s helping with the kids.
I too would like the car loan gone, BUT I am glad that I did put it in our divorce papers so worse comes to worst I do have some legal recourse. Hopefully won’t come to that, but I do feel I have CYA on that one. For once!!
I’m glad you have figured out what works for you, and you’re right, just because it’s court-ordered doesn’t mean it gets paid. My sister’s ex has not paid a dime of child support since they divorced in 2010 despite the judge telling him he would be jailed if he didn’t pay up (he wasn’t). He hasn’t asked to see his children since then, either. Good for you for knowing what’s best in your situation.
Sarah,
That sounds like so many of the stories I’ve heard over the years along with the despair and hope that it would change. I knew I didn’t want to be that person or have those issues. So I definitely was able to learn from others experiences. Thank you for your encouragement.
Can you clarify the time-line? If you guys have been separated for 7 years, why isnt the car paid off already? Usually car loans are for a maximum of five years…How much money is currently owed on this 7 year old car? When is the estimated pay-off date? Wouldn’t it make more sense for your ex to sell the car?
I appreciate how you always put people above money, but it really burns me that your ex has the money to make payments on a fancy car for himself, but not enough to support his children. His priorities seem mixed up to say the least, not that you can control that. Have you suggested the idea of selling the car, paying off the loan and buying a beater?