by Hope
The joy of watching my eldest daughter get engaged this past week was so excited. She joined our lives as an older teenager, and since then, we’ve built memories together, forming a bond I cherish more than I can express. Now, as we embark on wedding planning, I find myself reflecting on the balance between traditional expectations and the financial realities of planning a modern wedding.
Engaged, No Date Set
While we’ve been anticipating this was going to happen. Neither of us knew it was coming so soon. He asked my permission and I was thrilled to welcome him into the family. And she was shocked when he dropped down to one knee in front of our local waterfall and popped the question.
No date has been set, but right now, we are planning on a long engagement. And she is adamant that she wants a very small, intimate wedding.
Tradition vs Modern Options
Here’s a glimpse into our journey, especially as it relates to navigating wedding traditions through a financial lens:
- The Venue: Traditional Halls vs. Budget-Friendly Options In many traditional weddings, the venue is one of the biggest expenses – often a lavish hall or a scenic location. For us, though, the focus is less on grandeur and more on intimacy. We’re exploring local community spaces, parks, or even a family member’s property that would create a cozy, welcoming environment. It’s incredible to see my daughter embrace this approach, valuing meaningful memories over a costly backdrop.
- Guest List: Family and Community vs. Close-Knit Affordability Traditionally, weddings can be large gatherings, with guest lists that grow to include extended family and community members. We’re being mindful of the financial aspect, though, and my daughter is prioritizing a smaller, more intentional guest list, focused on those who have played a significant role in her life. It’s a decision that will help keep us within budget while also making the celebration feel deeply personal.
- Wedding Dress: Traditional Elegance vs. Financial Practicality Growing up, my daughter did not really dream about a specific wedding dress, and now, she’s thrilled to choose something beautiful and affordable. While traditional wedding dresses can be pricey, she’s exploring options like consignment stores, sample sales, and even rentals. Her willingness to consider alternatives reflects her practicality and independence – qualities I admire so much. (We are going to do a dress shopping day with her best friend and Princess at a bridal shop. This will help to narrow down styles and then figure out how to get what she wants affordably. And we do have my mom’s veil so she plans to wear that.)
Planning has Just Begun
This planning process has just begun. We are wheedling down a list of traditions we honor and the financial mindfulness we’re embracing. Every choice will be rooted in love and practicality, with a sprinkle of joy for the new chapter ahead. I couldn’t be prouder or more grateful to support her in this unique journey.
Hope is a creative, solutions-focused business manager helping clients grow their business and work more efficiently by leveraging expertise in project management, digital marketing, & tech solutions. She’s recently become an empty nester as her 5 foster/adoptive kids have spread their wings. She lives with her 3 dogs in a small town in NE Georgia and prefers the mountains to the beaches any day. She struggles with the travel bug and is doing her best to help each of her kids as their finish schooling and become independent (but it’s hard!) She has run her own consulting company for almost twenty years! Hope began sharing her journey with the BAD community in the Spring of 2015 and feels like she has finally in a place to really focus on making wise financial decisions.
My siblings got help from my parents in some kind of way – big gifts, dress purchased whatever is the case. But in this day and age I think kids should have the kind of wedding they can afford on their own. Weddings are very exciting, and I hope you guys have a lot of fun planning together. Congratulations to the happy couple!
Congrats to her! Curious how much you are planning to contribute to the wedding budget? Is there even enough money to have a wedding? After all, Beauty just saved enough money to move out on her own very recently, right? And if I recall correctly, she was choosing not work full-time for a while. Going to a bridal shop together seems like you’re just setting her up for disappointment if you aren’t going to then pay for a dress.
I totally understand if you don’t want to publish this comment and risk hurting your foster child’s feelings. But I do want you to think about it so I wanted to mention it. No hard feeling if you don’t post it. This is not your daughter or your child. This is someone you created a soft landing for, which is incredibly generous. And I hope that kindness and generosity creates a place for better decision making for that child moving forward. And your willingness to call her your daughter is kind and must be comforting to her. However, the bottom line is you OWE it to the 4 children that are truly yours to put your own needs FIRST. You do not have money to help with a wedding. At all, not a dime. And hopefully this reality opens your eyes to what could have been if you had actually gotten out of debt before. You could have helped some with a wedding. But you cannot. You owe it to your actual kids to be debt free with a solid savings for the future, you owe it to them to have health insurance, you owe it to them to not lose sleep over if there is a roof over your head or will they need to financially put themselves at risk to help you as you age. You LOVE a good distraction and excuse to be able to spend unabated. And this wedding creates both. I see this as a HUGE deterrent to you getting debt free. Be supportive and maybe offer her to use your backyard for a small reception (location only not pay for it). But other than that, you need to simply be an emotional support.
I think if she considers Beauty her daughter, who are we to judge? Otherwise I agree with you, I want the focus to be on Hope getting debt free but so many things always pop up and deter her from the goal.
Sit on the reality of your financial situation and what your future looks like and do the math on how much you can contribute to a party, that at the end of the day will have no correlation on the happiness of the couple or the quality of their marriage.
I can assure you that Beauty will love you the same if you gift them 300 dollars to help to buy the ingredients to a nice intimate dinner for the family to celebrate the couple or if you go into debt to pay for a 10k wedding party.