by Hope
Someone asked if I was still working with a therapist on a recent post, and the answer is yes. This is a post that stems from some of that mental work I’ve been doing and what I’m learning. (Still in process of learning.) I wish I could say I learned this lesson early, but the truth is, I had to learn it the hard way. The same way I do a lot of things, I know.
For me, “yes” was always easier than “no” when it came to my kids. Maybe it was because I raised a house full of them through foster care and adoption, in a life already full of “no’s” they didn’t ask for. Maybe it was because deep down, I wanted to make up for the years when they didn’t have enough. Or maybe, if I’m being brutally honest, it was because in the moment, saying “yes” felt like love. Or maybe it was the result of growing up feeling like I came from the wrong side of the tracks in a very affluent city.
But love bought on a credit card came with interest – financial and emotional.
The Slippery Slope
It started with small things:
Picking up dinner because I was tired or never felt confident in my cooking abilities.
Handing over gas money, upgrading a phone, or just because treats.
Each thing, by itself, seemed harmless. I told myself, It’s just $40. It’s just $100. But with multiple kids, those “justs” happened several times a month or week, and my money just disappeared and I would wonder why I was so stressed.
The Big Hits
The little yeses were bad enough. The big yeses were the ones that knocked me off track.
I’ve been known to blow out my budget entirely because I didn’t want my kids to feel “less than” – even if it meant swiping my credit card and telling myself I’d “figure it out later.”
It wasn’t about spoiling them; it was about making sure they never felt left out. But all those yeses added up fast. My credit card balance grew, and the goals I’d been talking about or thinking about again slid to the back burner. I told myself I was giving them memories, but I was also giving myself more months of financial catch-up.
Then there was the travel. Anyone who’s been reading here at BAD knows my affection for travel. Yes to extra spending money so they wouldn’t feel left out when friends went out. Yes to things I could barely afford because I wanted them to feel supported.
Why Saying Yes Felt So Good (and So Dangerous)
There was a little rush every time I helped one of my kids. I got to be the hero, the safety net, the person who made life easier. But that rush faded quickly. What was left? A lighter bank account and a long list of financial goals that stayed stalled.
Sometimes, my “yes” came from guilt. My kids didn’t get the traditional childhood I wish they had – no father in the picture, a history of abuse, they joined our family later, after already experiencing loss. I overcompensated with generosity. But generosity without boundaries wasn’t generosity at all – it was avoidance dressed up as kindness.
What I Wish I Had Recognized
My budget needed to account for my yeses. Giving should be planned, not impulsive.
A yes to them was often a no to me. Every dollar I handed over was one less toward my retirement, my emergency fund, or my own stability. For me, I did recognize this. But I also had absolutely no issue with this. And this is a big one for me. This is probably the biggest hurdle I face in my money mindset. One I have a long way to go.
I could say no without being a bad mom. In fact, sometimes “no” would have been the better lesson. Yes…but…thankfully, this is one even my kids recognize now which has made it easier for me to face.
The Reality Check
Now my youngest has turned 20 and the oldest two are well into their mid-20s, they are all financially independent. So I have done some things right.
But I’ve come to realize that my constant yeses hadn’t just cost me money, they had cost me progress. They have delayed my ability to get ahead, rebuild savings, and find peace of mind.
Looking back, I can see that love isn’t measured in dollars. It’s measured in boundaries, too. And your kids are still going to love you if you can’t or even won’t provide certain things. In fact, they probably won’t miss it. And the most loving thing I could have done sooner was to protect my own financial stability.
I need to add another side note here. I hope you will read this far. But the “yeses” I reference throughout this, aren’t Yes to my children asks. I mean some are. But most of them are Yeses to my own desires for my kids. I made the choices. I pushed the things. This post is not meant to make it seem like my kids asked and I just said yes. Most all of my financial failures were me making decisions unilaterally, not in response to a request. I chose all the meals out instead of groceries. I chose all the trips. I chose to pay for XYZ for the kids. I didn’t need to learn to say No to my kids. I needed to learn to say No to myself. To stop feeling inadequate if I couldn’t or didn’t do this, that or the other for my kids.
Hope is a resourceful and solutions-driven business manager who has spent nearly two decades helping clients streamline their operations and grow their businesses through project management, digital marketing, and tech expertise. Recently transitioning from her role as a single mom of five foster/adoptive children to an empty nester, Hope is navigating the emotional and practical challenges of redefining her life while maintaining her determination to regain financial control and eliminate debt.
Living in a cozy small town in northeast Georgia with her three dogs, Hope cherishes the serenity of the mountains over the bustle of the beach. Though her kids are now finding their footing in the world—pursuing education, careers, and independence—she remains deeply committed to supporting them in this next chapter, even as she faces the bittersweet tug of letting go.
Since joining the Blogging Away Debt community in 2015, Hope has candidly shared her journey of financial ups and downs. Now, with a renewed focus and a clear path ahead, she’s ready to tackle her finances with the same passion and perseverance that she’s brought to her life and career. Through her writing, she continues to inspire others to confront their own financial challenges and strive for a brighter future.
